hula hoops and hampster wheels

So it's that wonderful time of year again. Where we turn a new leaf, post up another cat calender and start fresh. Usually I'm all blah about resolutions but let's be honest here - I need them this year. To help me out of this griefy funk and move forward. So Voila 365 things for me to do this year, obviously some of these can not be accomplished in just one day but some can at least add a little more purpose to my year ahead, granted some are small and absurd.

1. Plan and take a real vacation as in a different area code, possibly another time zone.
2. Learn a new crochet pattern.
3. Start a book club
4. Write a page a day for my own fiction projects
5. Lose 15 pounds
6. Start some sort of "healthier" living movement
7. Clean out the closet and donate the unfitables to either Sissy or someone else
8. Update the wardrobe
9. Go to a movie by myself
10. Go for walks
11. Venture into the city and find one fun thing to do a month
12. Go to a concert
13. Re-connect with old friends
14. Experiment with recipes
15. Save a little more than last year
16. Drink more water and less diet coke
17. Work on painting more
18. Stay up past 10 on Friday nights
19. Write letters
20. Go to a sporting event
21. Play in the garden
22. Blog a little more
23. Update the resume
24. Go camping
25. Visit a new place
26. Start getting rid of the things I don't need
27. Make a family scrapbook
28. Do something on whim
29. Start and finish a home improvement project
30. Re-read Jane Austen's books
31. Go to the beach ie. conquer the bathing suit fear
32. Try new foods
33. See a sunset (and in the car doesn't count)
34. See a sunrise (and in the car doesn't count)
35. Take pictures
36. Indulge in new shoes
37. Get a pedicure (conquer the other people touching my feet cure)
38. Send an unexpected package to someone
39. Take some sort of class arts and crafts, cooking, dance
40. Go to a cheesy festival
41. Learn to drink coffee and not just choke it down.
42. Learn which wines I can drink and taste ok without sending me to the hospital.
43. Pick apples in an apple orchard
44. Get lost in a corn maze
45. Go to the Walker for 3 exhibits this year
46. Practice sketching people instead of random doodles of lampshades
47. Play in the snow
48. Learn something about automobile maintenance - maybe how to change a tire...
49. Go on a date
50. Learn about cheesy landmarks
51. Take time to be alone
52. Eat fruit
53. Shave my legs when they need it, even if I'm feeling lazy.
54. Pay off the car so the apartment search can begin
55. Have something fun planned for my birthday
56. Do something with single friends for Valentines day
57. Try green beer for st. Patrick's day
58. Finish enough of the novel to search for publishing prospects
59. Try to get into yoga again
60. Go to the eye doctor since I've been procrastinating on this for 2 years...
61. Join a gym and actually go
62. Find new music
63. Go to a dive bar that quite possibly has country line dancing and suck it up and enjoy it
64. Go swimming
65. Make an afghan
66. Go to the zoo
67. Find new coffee places to hang out in after work
68. Update my makeup
69. Keep up on laundry
70. Clean out my trunk
71. Call friends
72. Update my bedroom from pink and girly to something more grown up
73. Read the paper
74. Find hole in the wall places to eat, drink and be merry
75. Visit grandma
76. Plan a picnic
77. Go to an artsy fartsy indie film
78. Go to a flea market
79. Get lost and not freak out
80. Help someone
81. Look into Grad schools
82. Learn a new card game
83. Grow cucumbers and make homemade pickles
84. Bake more
85. Go to the art museum
86. Break the addiction to scramble
87. Hug more
88. Cry when needed
89. Laugh more
90. Make a Kristen soundtrack to bring me out of a bad mood
91. Share a recipe
92. Welcome change
93. Be brave enough to try new things
94. Read a book that is not my typical reading genre
95. Offer to babysit my friends kids
96. Try my hand at writing a children's book
97. Hang my laundry up instead of living out of laundry baskets
98. Plan an after work social event for the girls at work
99. Try a new pizza topping
100. Share my writings with friends
101. Be open to criticism
102. Make plans for every weekend.
103. Try birdwatching
104. Start a game night once a month with friends
105. Go fishing
106. Celebrate all the wacky holidays that don't make it on the traditional calender
107. Learn a new word a day
108. Get over my fear of mice and bats
109. Get over my fear of commitment
110. Visit cemeteries where family members are buried
111. Try writing a screenplay
112. try to make a collection of quick and easy healthy food recipes
113. Play the piano once a month
114. Encourage my brother to go back to school
115. Help my sister find a job
116. Floss more
117. Make the switch from cookies to rice cakes
118. Try listening to a new radio station
119. Listen to an audio book
120. Make-out like a teenager
121. take bubble baths
122. go for a bike ride
123. buy flowers for myself
124. get a carwash - fear of carwashes
125. quit procrastinating
126. forgive
127. continue to grow the hair out - do not give in to cutting temptations
128. be happy when i go to work, be happy when i come home
129. play matchmaker or attempt to do so
130. read some non-fiction
131. try sushi
132. play a video game and work on hand eye coordination haha
133. wear a ridiculous hat or other accessory just for fun
134. try crocheting a sweater
135. be nice to bible bangers
136. get some ridiculously sex underwear
137. stop spending weekends in sweatpants
138. stop and take time to appreciate small things
139. dress up once at least for fun
140. re-learn to walk in heels
141. get a tan this summer
142. spend more time outside
143. take my vitamins
144. write a poem
145. save room for dessert
146. rent some old black and white movies
147. pack a lunch for work instead of going out to eat
148. make waffles - and not Eggo's.
149. stop picking at my owwies
150. make an effort to look pretty even if i don't feel pretty
151. get my pants hemmed to fit properly
152. make a family tree
153. try a new beer
154. try to eat yogurt
155. go antiquing
156. go people watching
157. make new friends
158. try recycling
159. read my horoscope and laugh
160. read a fortune cookie and laugh
161. set long term goals
162. accomplish short term goals
163. go to a comedy club
164. go to a planetarium
165. make an out of the way trip to have a good story
166. make memorable moments with my family
167. plan a sister weekend to get out of town with my sister
168. plan an all girls weekend to get together with the girls
169. send birthday cards
170. send christmas cards
171. find the birthday gift for everyone
172. read Emily Post's book on etiquette
173. be more ladylike
174. try to obey "the rules"
175. go bowling
176. try golfing or at least mini golfing
177. sing karaoke
178. get a ridiculous crush
179. send a valentine
180. look for cheesy magnets to put on the fridge
181. spend quality time with my brother and sister
182. work on the family cookbook with my mom
183. make a snow man/ angel/ ball
184. make a birthday cake for someone at work
185. make mini adventures
186. try to tiptoe each day
187. work on not getting road rage
188. build a sandcastle
189. write a love letter
190. write a i hate your guts letter
191. compliment someone
192. accept compliments
193. donate food to a food shelf
194. do a random act of kindness
195. dance naked, fear of dancing and fear of nakedness
196. sleep naked
197. watch a sci fi movie and not complain about it
198. stop complaining
199. get promoted
200. do things out of the ordinary
201. be nice to a stranger
202. buy stamps in bulk and use them up before they change the postage again.
203. keep up to date on news and current events
204. sleep in once in awhile
205. stay up all night
206. learn to make a thanksgiving meal
207. learn the best way to remove stains from clothes.
208. go to some thing that i don't really want to go to and make the best of it
209. fly somewhere
210. take the amtrack and not complain about it being delayed. haha
211. plant seedlings inside so i can have more flowers for summer
212. enjoy nature
213. wear sunblock
214. paint my toe nails
215. create a budget
216. ok i'm out of ideas but i might come back to add more...

Oh how I have abandonded you. I'm deeply sorry and now I will fill you random tangents.

Tangent Outline:

Resolutions
Christmas Re-Cap
Book Review: Stupid & Contagious
Online Dating Update

-Kristen

In case you're up all night- calculating I don't know very important things like how much time I've just wasted on www.dreamproductscatalog.com this by far is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen, but hey a multifunctional alarm clock non-the-less. I wonder if you push the numbers for how long you want to snooze?




NEVER MAKE ANOTHER CALCULATION MISTAKE
Error-proof your computations with this amazing talking calculator. The easiest way ever to balance your checkbook, figure taxes or keep at-home accounting on track. Includes a time readout with easyset alarm. Runs on 2 AAA batteries available everywhere.

SO what does a single girl do now that she has replaced all of her fun flirty - "I've got sexy undies on and know one knows but me, tee hee" with boring cute but comfy cotton ones. She relizes that it might be time to slowly integrate cute panties into her underclothes wardrobe once again.


Ok so after looking up my brothers christmas present online I ran across this ---



and to match --- I found this





Both are still catergortized in the not over my dead body section of underthings.

Alas - time to check out Victoria's secret - see if they have something that more --- I don't know - less scary.

But in the end I know that my cotton bikinis and few remaining sexy girl panties are a step above the "Fashion Panty Wardrobe"

Confession: My sister and I met up with my Grandma friday afternoon. At the end of lunch she loaded my car with christmas presents.

My original thought: Well, this is odd, there are wrapped packages -- normally she only did wrapped packages for my dad and us kids and my mom got random presents in assorted gift bags. Mostly crap - she's old now and doesn't know what us 20 somethings are into and hasn't considered the notion that gift cards and cash are sufficent.

Now I don't mean to sound greedy or anthing like that - but she has enough money where she could be a little better in the gift giving arena. But most of the time she gets us trinkets and a hundred dollars or so in spending money. Anyways -- my point is it really doesn't matter what the gift is - it's the thought put into it.

And frankly - my poor brother was the on the short end of the stick when it came to receiving a thoughtful gift.


Anyways -- so we get and home and open our christmas presents - because we know they will be funny or amusingly tacky and it's really not worth the suspense.

Me and my sister received identical gifts as usual: A box of humingbird stationary, an artifical candel that can not be lit and a operates on batteries and some post it notes with cats on them. and the cash department was lower than standard 100. Oh well. I'm over it. My sister is a little bummed out.

But my brother -- he received a tie organizer. That'll be OH SO useful since he has a total of 2 ties. 1 of which was just aquired this weekend for a wedding, and one is clip on from his first communion back in 1993.

The fun doesn't stop here... He also received a large book about the history of american autos. Now, if my brother cared anything about cars this might be appropriate. But, she tried, maybe, I remember the one year he got penut brittle for a present.

But the kicker is the following: Now, It might be me but the present pictured below just doesn't scream 24 year old grandson does it? I think there might have been some good deals at Mills Fleet Farm or quite possibly Walgreens:



SO LIFE LIKE...YOU'LL THINK HE'S REAL

Watch the smiles as this realistic turtle starts his slow walk, and sings to the music as he goes. Even his head and mouth move as he croons, "You gotta slow down, you move too fast". Takes 3 AA batteries available everywhere.

IF you're interested in this annoying turtle check this out:
http://www.dreamproductscatalog.com/details.cfm?item=11245
photo and details courtesy of the aforementioned website.

Ok so I really don't love Mondays. But once a week or so I try to make it to Perkins for the Soup of the Day. Monday is my favorite Soup of the Day, since it is Chicken Tortilla. I like my Chicken Tortilla soup paired with the oh so sophisticated grilled cheese sandwhich.

Perfect for the chilly day it was today.

Anyways -- I know it doesn't sound very glamourous or special, but it really is a fantastic soup.


Now I'm on the hunt for a recipe to try and make my very own.

PS. The Campbells version of same said soup is not very good, quite bland and lame actually. But I do love Fiesta Nacho Cheese.

Yes, I'm lame and I'm blogging about soup - what can I say, life is exciting.

Soo you want to read a fast paced chick lit book.

Look no further than Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me. It's funny, and delightful and I flipped through it.

The jist without any spoilers:

A 20-something Girl, Lexi Smart has an okay life that ison the verge of going to hell in a handbasket. She get's amnesia and wakes up a totally differnt and changed person.

It's cute and simple and well written.

I highly reconmend it if you are trying to add a book a week to your reading schedule.


Another one to read by her is Undomestic Goddess. Also funny and cute.

I'm a little afraid to start reading her Shopaholic series- I might be forced to pick up something less chick and more lit. But Both of these are excellent fluffy books that make you laugh and sympathize with the charachters.

I suppose this method will also work to cure insomnia.

There are couple things you need in order for this to be funtional.

A tv
dvd player
old dvds that you've seen a million times.
bed or couch where you can be comforatable facing away from the tv but still able to hear it.


Last night's movie choice was My Best Friend's Wedding.

I know I swore of chick flicks but nothing was on TV and I had this brilliant idea of how to fall asleep to make my headache go away.

Pop the dvd in - turn the tv on - all that highly technical mumbo jumbo that I will not explain because a) you know how to do it b) I'm not able to upload a fancy flow chart to explain it so why bother? c) you don't really care that much.

Ok go to the set up features and most have the option to change the language of the audio to a language that you are not fluent in - spanish and french seem to be the top contenders in this area of optionability. (yes i just made that word up)

I selected French - since I know a little, but choose whichever is available or tickles your fancy.

I start the movie.

I watch part of it - i.e. the first 20 minutes or so - with english subtitles at the bottom so I can see how much editing they had to do to make the mouths match the french words vs the english ones.

This gets annoying after awhile. Even in it's native tongue any tv or movie that's sound doesn't correlate properly with lip movement drives me a little bonkers and enduces a vertigo like symptom - well the solution is to roll over and away from the tv

Now just listen to the funny french words -- see if you can picture where in the movie they are. Sneek a peak once in awhile if you must. But if you can stay strong the babble in the background is sure to put you to sleep or alternatively drive you mad. It's 50/50.


My next test is to find out if the directors commentary on steel magnolias is also tri-lingual.

So I've made it through 6 months of grieving. I'm not sure I'm any more adjusted than before. I'm getting used to the changes but it's all very unsettling.

And now with the holidays coming. I'm not full of cheer and quite frankly not looking forward to anything from Thanksgiving through New Years.

I've been put in a predicament where now instead of living at home to save money, I'm living at home to support my mother. Granted my brother helps with some things, mostly his things- and 1/3 of the utilities that I enforced shortly before my dad passed since he's always lived at home and never contributed anything but his angst and temper tantrums and I know everything attitude.

So I don't bear the burden alone but his contributions are fixed since he works in retail and I get the joy of covering the remaining balance, since my mother can't cause she only works part time. I've been helping with household crap since forever, but some how my siblings got out of learning this responsibility lesson and I'm a little bitter.

Apparently it's a o k from me to the responsible one, where my brother can go out and spend oodles of money on going to concerts, getting a guided fishing tour for summer weekend, spend nights out with his friends dinner and drinks, not to mention he buys whatever he wants. And it's never the toilet paper.

But he really pissed me off this week as if I'm not irritated enough with him.
Apparently the groceries I bring home are for the whole household and the groceries he brings home are just for him unless he offers.

The other day I needed pastries- so I brought home a danish. Now I didn't want to eat the whole thing -- and as I was eating my dinner - he asked if he could have some. Fine.

So by the time I get up to get a piece of my Danish - 3/4 of it are missing from the pan. I know my mom had a piece - but seriously - my brother ate half the pan - and I was left with 2 small pieces. SO I had one and though - Oh I'll have the last of it in the morning. EVERYONE knows my rule about eating the last of something and they don't.

WELL I was wrong - the butt head ate 1/2 of my danish and then the last small piece while I WAS SLEEPING.

What does a girl have to do to enjoy a good pastry?

Ok Ava. Message heard.

I will be taking a hiatus from jumping back into dating. Let's face facts I'm not ready and it would only be rebound frills and that's not good for anyone. I'm too old to be slutty and want sometime within the next decade to find something wholesome and substansial. I guess sometimes you aren't supposed to get back up on the horse and my total annoyance with every Penis bearing guy out there is proof in the pudding. (yes, I'm full of cliches today.)

I watched Bridget Jones's last night and I am Bridget without the happy ending. Sooo I must sing really bad lite FM ballads at the top of my lungs and tend to my cat, make some blue soup, and maybe afterawhile I'll try and try again. But at least not until after my birthday when I have 28-yr old version of my 27-yr old crisis.

But until then maybe I'll write a little more, or paint a little more definetly not watch anymore chick flicks that will remind me of all the gooey stuff I miss. It might be time to go to the yarn store and stock up on winter crafts to keep me productive. I did just watch a fabulous episode of the late great Bob Ross and his oil painting adventures.


Also in the meantime I'm looking into purchasing a new buzz toy. The current buzzer has lived a long life circa 2003, (amazing eh?) and it really is time to put the "eager beaver" to rest. Suggestions welcome.

On my last dating expidition - I ran into some weirdos - but some nice guys too.
I even have my aim buddy list broken into several catergories
- nice guys
- too far away guys
- bad dates
- losers
- boring guys
- annoying sex crazed maniacs

Well I'm a little more choosey about who I wast time chatting with this go arround.

Here are some of the disqualifiers/red flags:

Pass judgement on me if you will but a girl has to have standards.

The NO Way Jose List:
No education after highschool.
Unemployed.
Religious Zealots.
Felons.
Liars.
Cheaters.
No car.
Baby on the way with another woman.
Bad teeth.
Creepy eyes.
Drug use.
Big Drinkers.
Illiterate.
Self-Centered
Egotistical.
Possesing any bastard like qualities.
Youger than 27.
Older than 38.
Weird facial piercings or otherwise.
Dredlocks.
Catergorized as Seperated
Catergorized as Married
Lying about marital status: i.e. One sites profile says Divorced and the other says: Never Married (and he's sent me messages from both.)
Baldness unless it really does work for him.
Beards. Some facial hair is ok - but no full beards.
No hatred of cats.

Ok so I haven't been writing anything on my other adjacent fiction only blog as of late.

Part of the reason - honestly is laziness. The other is after wandering around bookstores and reading blurb after blurb on amazon I felt as though there are no new stories left to be told. I know, I know this is not a news flash. There are only so many plots and the difference is in the meat of the writing, the fleshed out charachters coming to life - reaching across the page and sucking you into the vortex of their world. blah blah blah.

So I was moderately discouraged-- but I will push that aside and try to be more active on that other blog. Plus the long cold winter can be a great motivator for said writing. So keep tuned in.

But then I had to write something for work - and my friend Jacque said that I need to write more becuase she loved my motivational letter on "Being a Fred" (based on the book Fred Factor)

SO I will toss all my insecurities aside and there will be more on Gladys and the crew.

I'll start tomorrow.

So I'll say it. I have a crush on someone & I feel like a school girl for more than one reason. I met Stanley (not his real name) in Kindergarten and we went to school together thru the 4th grade. Then, I went to public middle school instead of staying at the prochial school. We haven't crossed paths since we were 9.

Life passed, and then through the miracles of facebook he found me and we have since had several legenthy conversations online and we can ramble on for hours about serious and not so serious stuff. There are mutual flirtations and we're both single.

So what's the issue? Well we are both recently single - and going through our own break up routines. We're both a little cautious about meeting in person even though we used to play on the same playground 20 years ago. So right now I'm just hopeful that Stan and I can be fantastic friends and after awhile maybe we entertain the idea of dinner date and see what happens. Yes, full blown crush mode.

I love current events and the news and all things political. NPR.org interactive election map brought me great joy.

It's happened - we the American people have voted and invited a democratic back into the White House. Thank goodness.

Our President Elect happens to be the first ever African-American president. Fantastic. A movement of progress, how far we have come as country.

I didn't vote for black or white when I stepped into my polling cubby. No, I voted for the candidates who best represented my political ideals. I saw two colors - Red and Blue (well three technically if you count Nader - but very few will vote for him so bygones -sorry Ralphie).

At work today - I sit next to a woman (Let's call her Iggie) with exceptional grade A ignorance, a blind faith in a bible and religion that has brain washed her beyond repair - so much in fact she refuses to wear pants - even if it's 40 below. I'm sorry but Jesus would want you to wear pants instead of getting frost bite - the climate of the biblical times you read with such volition was not aware or prone to the horrors of the WINDCHILL factor. She irritated me greatly even if I like her as a person, for the most part.


Ignorance: Some hype heard amongst the cubical walls today include a portrait of ignorance and acceptance, both of the election results and of humanity in general.

Iggie:
Obama is a Muslim.
Kristen:
Actually Iggie, he's a christian just like you.
Iggie:
Nope, he's a Muslim.
Kristen:
What's wrong with that - we do have our first Amendment rights you know.
Iggie:
Our country was founded on the premise of a Christian God.
Kristen:
True, but it's our country that fought for religious freedom. And Obama is a Christian, you should be happy.
Iggie:
He's a Muslim Kristen, he's just faking it.
Kristen:
OK Iggie, believe what you want, but it's none of your business who he prays to anyways.


Iggie: He'll never be sworn in as president.

Kristen: He's the president elect, he'll be sworn in. Can't you just accept it. I'd accept McCain as president if he had won.

Iggie: Nope, he was born in Kenya so he can't be sworn in. Iwill never accept it. I have someone bigger than Obama to get me through this... God and Jesus will prevail.
Kristen: He was born in Hawaii, and God and Jesus weren't on the ballot and their foreign policy is a little sketchy. Remember Iggie, you should always vote with your brain and not with a bible.

Iggie: He can't provide a valid birth certificate

Kristen: McCain wasn't born on American soil. Ps. The Associated Press has a story about the validity of his birth certificiate - (emd to Iggie)

Iggie: Yes he was. You can't believe everything on the internet.

Kristen: Nope, he was born on a military base. Iggie, it's the Associated Press- not a email forward. I'll believe the Associated Press over some forward.

Iggie: Fine.

Kristen: Iggie, Why would a white, American, woman who is pregnant - travel in an airplane to Kenya to give birth in a remote village, that's maternity ward probably has dirt floors and drafty walls made out of natural fibers- versus in Hawaii in a hospital with clean disinfected floors and finely crafted structure and an Ocean view?

Iggie: Do your research Kristen.


Kristen: Iggie, don't you think you're being pretty ignorant about this - I mean John McCain - who was your political mavericky hero expressed that everyone needs to come together and that Obama is going to be his president and that you should accept it.

Iggie: He won't be my president, my president and commander in chief is a higher power.

Kristen: Well, that statement is very un-American of you. That dissapoints me Iggie. I have oreos at my desk do you want one?

So I popped onto OKCupid.com awhile back to see what's out there - I'm passively looking through profiles - seeing the other fish in the sea.

Let me tell you, I am not impressed. Why can't normal guys be out there?

The crappy thing about the free okc is that they have this chat thing- and when ever I am passively browsing or taking ridiculous quizzes - someone always wants to have a conversation. A conversation that I do not want to have.

Loser: hi
Me: hi
Loser: how r u?
Me: fine, can you not use those abbreviations they are really annoying to me.
Loser: haha ok
Loser: so you seem like a really open person from your profile.
Me: I guess
Loser: So can I ask some questions?
Me: shoot
Loser: How do you give a blow job - tell me in detail.
Me: I will not share my top secret technique with anyone- it's not up for discussion.
Loser: How big are your breasts and pussy?
Me: I don't measure them. Please stop with this inappropriate sex talk. Are you unable to have a normal conversation?
Loser: Don't you want to f*** me?
Me: Nope
Loser: Why not?
Me: 1. I don't know you. 2. You're acting like a dillweed. 3.I don't have random sex with dillweeds.
me: goodbye
blocking loser.


SO I then continue to browse through a couple profiles -- get accosted by some non english speaking fellow who due to conversation barrier I also block.


Then I see a suggested user. This is someone I know - and I start laughing hysterically.

OKC thinks I would be a great match with drum roll please......my cousin Jake.

So I send him a message - Jake, Sorry Cousin but I'm not into relatives that way. OKC has got it all wrong, we are not from West Virginia!


He replies back and is laughing for multiple reasons - he has confessed that he's been out at the bars and is a little wasted and the ridiculousness of okc's suggestion and his random okc mail from his cousin. The I had to explain what happened with Dave and all of that.

So yeah.

Isn't getting back out there exciting.

Growing up, my mom has always been a little chubby. She's adorable and cute and wears dorky faux denim leggings and yeah she's my mom so I love her.

I never had a mom that wanted me to be a barbie doll - she in fact wouldn't let me play with such self esteem distructors.

But last week - something happened that has never happened before. My mom can now fit into my clothes. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that she's lost some weight, somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 pounds in the last year. But I'm also then reminded that once upon a time I was smaller and now I've put on a couple pounds.

But in any light she is just so excited that she can now shop in the ladies clothes and not in womens section we devouted a good afternoon to going shopping, buy some new outfits and then she came home and tried on my stuff too. It's like we are teenage sisters. But instead of wearing the latest fashion mistake we both dress in pretty classic standby outfits.

It's just a little weird to ask - Mom do you have my navy pants?

Onward to my sister -- since we have a good 5.5 years between us she thinks all my clothes are old lady clothes -- but just wait - I'm sure when she starts job hunting she'll be stealing my navy pants too. Now sissy and I are about a size difference - but that is always subject to change i.e. similar to that of the polls 1+/1-.

So to head of anyone even thinking about swiping my favorite jeans -- I'm going to go get my mom a pair of real life jeans since it's probably been several decades since she's owned them and they can be her cute butt jeans and she will leave mine alone!

So I received another verbal warning yesterday. That's two so far. But both have been since July.

I might need an anger management class haha. Actually, I know I've been snappy and I'm going to blame the economy.

Fix the economy and my temper will be fixed.

Ok maybe that's a bit irrational.

Fix all the problems of the world and then just maybe - my temper will dissapate.

Maybe I'm just moody and I can't help it.

I was out of chocolate the other day when I lashed out -- I didn't call anyone a peon this time -- just asked her if that's how she does her job.


Oppps

I need a stress ball that is resistant to arcylic nails.

Sooo I was in TJ max the other day -- wasting an hour for lunch.

And they had my vita k under eye cream so I picked a couple up.

I also was extra adventurous after reading Ava's blog about skin care and now I'm over analyzing every nook n cranny on my face.


So I picked up a new moisturizer.

The label is mostly in german and so I googles it but only came across pictures of wind mills and a message about wind energy

Soo apprently I'm finally doing something good for the environment. haha.


Ooh ok I found it:

BALANCED PROTECTION COMPLEX
WHITE TEA • CLOVER • SPICY BASIL
Stimulating day cream for all skin types
Red clover stimulates cell metabolism
Spicy basil reduces inflammation
ENERGY SOURCE – the stimulating day cream for all skin types. This unique high-effect formula is based on white tea – one of nature’s most potent antioxidants – which provides long-lasting support for the skin’s natural oil replenishment processes and protects against environmental toxins. in addition to the anti-inflammatory effects of spicy basil, red clover activates cell metabolism, resulting in a visibly firmer and noticeably smoother complexion.


Anyways it's a nice refreshing moisturizer.. for 7.99 who can really complain.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day one - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Dick Cheney: Where's my gun?

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of us chickens.

Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side'. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious scare of moulting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one???

My first day at XYZ was Halloween. What a horrible first day to start at an office. The girl that was training me in was in a back to the 50's poodle skirt and would wear roller skates from time to time. Some other person was in a Hawaiian Shirt and had zinc under his eyes. I thought these peole were crazy. And this year - on my 3 year anniversary at XYZ I will finally partake in the costume fun.

I will be Punky Brewster. So I have to find some wacky 80's shirt - some bandanas to tie around my knees and put my hair in in pig tails -- or mini pigtails.

This Saturday there is a parade in the adjacent city - the Halloween Capitol of the World. I haven't been in ages but thinking of going. Who knows.

Any candy that's many ingredient is candy and costumes -- is fine by me in my book.

Pulling the fork out.

Maybe this is what he wanted - for me to get so pissed off and angry I'd want to just move on.

Outside stress isn't a reason for ending a relationship. If that was the case I would have dumped him ages ago.

I'm hoping our discussion is amicable on Monday and some time down the road we can be friends- because we do enjoy eachother's companionship. But I obviously can't give him what he needs, he can't tell me what he needs, and most of all he can't give me what I need.

So I'm officially done.

Onto the next dating adventure.

So I briefly talked to Dave tonight to set up a time to talk since he didn't call or text before I was already home.

And so I asked him where he was with everything, he still doesn't know.

I expressed my need to a reason, he just said he's under stress.

So I ask if I've caused this stres, no his work and family.

but I've contributed to it, some how...

So I apologize for complicating his life

We agree to talk on Monday.

So Dave and I are going to sit down and talk about things this week.

And I'm a little annoyed, that he gave me no warning when he instituted the break, that he hasn't been the blue ribbon boyfirend we all dream of.

So in my typical girl over analyzing everything fashion, what will be the result of our conversation.

He will either say, that he's messed up, apologize for putting me through this confusing hiatus and that he wants to try and work on us.

He will tell me that he needs to be single for whatever reason. And then I will have to officially move on.

If he wants to work on things - I am cautious but willing, because I love him. I'm already hurting and right now the only comfort I want is him holding me.

If he needs to be single for whatever reason, and it better be a good one, I'll try to accept it but at this point without knowing why or what I'm clueless to how I'll respond.

So that's the game plan.

So when a not so emotional friend has a breakdown over dirty dishes, the troops are called in - I happened to be one of the troops. Ultimate friendship is being able to clean someone elses home when they themselves are distraugt at the attempt of it alone. This my dears could be the basic outline of a lifetime movie. Only in the end the evil roomate would have to have some sort of fatal illness.

So I depart the metro area, headed toward quieter scenic byways and to places that have what do you call them, oh - yes, townies. To see them walking on the sidewalk is almost a joy, funny head pieces, mis-matched striped pants with some teen agnst sweatshirt. People in mis matched pajamas outside doing every day things.

My first stop was Rochester. A city away from the cities. An evening with Ava - making taco dinner, craving brownies and icecream while watching what can only be described as the cheesiest movie ever - Aquamarine. SO many puns even my head hurt and I groaned at the horrible attempt to connect everyday item/phrases into some marine reference. Ava has several examples of the ones we caught listed on her blog perpetually single.

After an evening of cheesy movie, and making some cinonmon butter coffee cake concotion and watching tv - it was time for bed.

A miracle happened. I slept in past 10:30 - it was at least 10:34 by the kitchen clock. A miracle because - well let's face facts. I'm an early bird and it often carries over into the weekend.


Next stop, LaCrosse, Wisconsin to help our dear distressed friend Alice clean her apartment that has been overrun with filth, and fruit flies as well as a bunch of other shit. We picked Alice up, first stopping for nourishment at the local McDonalds and then heading to the store to pick up rubber gloves and a few other cleaning tools.


When we arrived at Miss Alice's apartment that she shares with Digby - the messiest gay man to ever have walked the face of the earth. The first thing we noticed was the smell. It was bad, something like the combination of: swamp lands, cat box, and fermenting tea from 3 months ago complete with tea bag decomposition. It was bad, all of the smells were faint and haunting instead of say intense and pungent like a skunk or vomit. So no face masks were required and after a little while we grew accustomed to the smellieness.

At first glance it looked more messy than dirty -- which is a good thing, but soon it was unvieled - pizza plates, water bottles with unknown substances, miscalaneous papers from god knows when. Lots of shit, not fecal matter mind you, but life shit - papers, books, movies, napkins, coupons, shredded powerball and other various lotto tickets.

Ava and I tackled the living room and kitchen, while Alice worked on the bathroom.
Drinking wine in juice glasses and listening to a wide and ecceltic array of music we were able to get the place in tip top shape.

Then we went to dinner, came back watched a cheesy movie and I conked out. And this blog post is the product of the non-miracle that occured. I woke up at 6:30. grrr.

So I've taken some time to go over in my head what I want/need/deserve for the next relationship I have.

I guess the biggest thing I will need someone who makes an effort. I'm not talking about someone doting on me or hanging on every word - cause you know what kinda random crap comes out of my mouth.

But, the one big thing that was missing from the relationship with Dave was that he did not put in the effort I put in to being a couple or being romantic or knowing me as a person and sharing with me.

I'm not talking grand gestures - I'm talking about once in awhile having a weekend just the two of us. Without making plans in the middle to work on some project or something else or go golfing, get drunk and then forget to call and say oopps I ended up downtown wasted, and I'll have to reschedule our much anticipated Saturday night date night.

Maybe complimenting me, instead of making fun of me. He only told me I was beautiful one time. ONE time over a year and he was drunk. What was I thinking. I never heard a you look nice if I dressed up or tried to be cute. In fact I don't remember one single compliment.

Yes, he was good at comforting me when I needed him most but as far as trying to understand me or talk about things that I'm going through - most recently I wanted to have the "what's your take on the afterlife" conversation cause I'm in greif and I'm conflicted at the moment at what I believe in if anything. He couldn't even offer anything besides a shrug and an I don't know.


I never got to meet his friends or family. Granted he only met my friends at my dad's funeral and on one bbq adventure at Heather's but he was invited to come meet my friends and family on several occaisons. But was always busy. Maybe he was hiding me, maybe I'm not as pretty/successful/charming/dainty as the last one he brought home, maybe he's ashamed of me for a plethora of unknown reasons. Maybe having a secret girlfriend in your 30's is way more fun than in the 7th grade. Who knows.

I'm hurting right now and I'm in the anger phase of this breakup - and I'm feeling dumb and stupid for letting myself love someone who obviously didn't want to, and or couldn't love me.

As Dave are on a break and I was hopeful yesterday, today - I've started the Welcome Back to Singledom Orientation. If in the end things work out with Dave, fantastic- but if whatever it is, is beyond repair or an attempt on his part - then I'm not so shell shocked.

I've colored my hair. Thought about getting a gym membership -that I would actually use. Considered drinking excessivly while eating excessively but then that would only mean more work outs at the gym. Now I'm getting ready for retail therapy - but I don't really need anything, or want anything in particular.

I would go get my nails done and be ultra girl-a-rific but I was unconsiously biting them and now my cuticles are all bloody and disgusting. Don't want to hurt them anymore - but I'm leaving them alone in hope to be able to go next week and have a full set of short but pretty french manicured arcylics. This will be a pain in the ass when I decide that I'd rather just have my natural nail and have to go through that paper thin nail crap - but alas I want to feel a little pretty so it's the plan.

Today I'm going with the very cliched boomarang philosophy - let love free and eventually, just maybe it will come back to me.

So yeah, back to singledom.

SO I called him - I know,I broke rule #1 of breaking up. But I love him too much just to walk away- I needed him to know I think that it's worth it to work on us and well, Becuase I'm sorry, but he doesn't get to leave me hanging while he goes on a two week hiatus from our relationship for answers to basic questions.
jist of the conversation...
He cares about me and loves me - but something in his own world isn't right and he doesn't know where he is with everything, including me. Not a real defintitive answer to anything was given, but I can now honestly believe that it's not me and stop beating myself up about gaining weight and being moody and not being the prettiest or not being the trophy girlfriend, we all know I'm not graceful enough for that label.

So a little space is needed - I guess I can use this time for me - to start painting again or crochet something. Maybe work on the novel.

If it doesn't work out between us, it's not going to be because I didn't try or care enough. It'll be what it's going to be and right now it's in limbo and I'm sad and scared and hopeful.

So if anyone wants to play me in scramble I'm game!

I've even taken a vacation day tomorrow to sleep in (shocker) and get some crap in Kristen world straightened out.

So I was completely blindsighted last night when Dave had me over to talk.

He didn't really have a reason and couldn't tell me what went wrong other than it's him and not me. That he thinks I'm great and wonderful and that he loves me - but his heart isn't all in it. Then as the evening progressed, he wants to take a break and then talk again in a 2 weeks.

Maybe to see if I'm the root of his unhappiness. Maybe to weigh out bachelorhood vs. commited relationship, Who knows?

WTF.

Where did this come from, I don't know.

I'm sad and hurt and confused because I love him.

My whole take on it is - he either loves me and is scared about the intensity of love or he just doesn't or can't love me.

I have so many it's hard to keep track - but today I scared myself.

I was sitting at the picnic table at work - by myself.

The picnic table is attached to a tree - via a cable cord thing. Well somehow I got my leg stuck in the loop and was convinced it was animal caressing my leg.

SO I freak out - my hands go flailing in the air when I've the ibbie jibbies and then I look down and realize that it's the stupic picnic table cord and I'm glad no one is the parking lot and can see me - but I'm sure the people with the window offices in the adjacent building thought I was fire for 3.2 seconds.

sigh. today is just not my day.

if you haven't guessed I'm trying to bump the pinata down so no one at work sees the fiesta dong.



but my secret new addiction is: klondike bars - so when I'm feeling more motivated, I'll tell you (all 4 of you) what exactly I'd do for a Klondike bar.

like I'll keep up and provide and entertaining link every day...

www.poopreport.com

all thinks poopy.


Check out my friend F.Rey's post: http://www.poopreport.com/Stories/how_to_traumatize_baby_girls.html

I should shower. But I'm too lazy. Unmotivated. and smelly.

I should have had lunch. I was hungry. But, again too lazy and unmotivated m&ms and doritos were even tasting a little gross.

I should have done my hair this morning. It was a bad case of bed head. I brushed it and called it good then looked in the mirror hours later and was horrified. I could scare small children with this hair. But alas, too tired and unmotivated.

I should write something mildly entertaining. But I've got nothing, lazy, slothful me. I'm in a funk today. Let's hope it has to do with not sleeping well last night.

This is the first day of autumn - I should enjoy the weather outside after work, nah, who needs outdoors when you have a comfy chair to sit in and play stupid scramble.


I do have some things to write about, but ... like a broken record - too lazy.

magical sunglasses
more about cleavy mcgeee my constant work annoyance
birthday twins
nesting fever/ baby fever - it's happened, the unofficial clock is widening my hips (ok so maybe that's my carb-o-holic diet.) and making me baby crazy.
"parsley" for sale
deardiary
awkward moments
movie review
writing the book -asyou can see my writing blog has been unattended to for quite sometime.
closet smoker.


Until I get motivated though -- this is all I've got.

Since all of my married friends are married - and my unmarried friends are single, I don't see being a maid of honor in the next year. SOooo I'm going to proposition (tee hee) that we have a party for cinco de mayo just so we can have this amusement:



























The Penis Pinata:

Sooo I love birthdays. I love making a big fuss and getting the perfect gift. Or so I thought.

This year for Dave's birthday -- I was at a loss - I had no idea what to get him.
I googled best boyfriend birthday gifts. I had a couple lame ideas...

1. cologne -- but he already smells so good - ps I love his deodorant more than his cologne. But never the less -- don't fix it if it ain't broke.

2. kitchen crap. i.e. a colander, new toaster, glasses to replace his plastic cups. lameness factor - 10. useful for when I'm cooking dinner and need to strain something 1. ok it's on the veto list.

3. a puppy. cute idea - but it'd be better if he picked the puppy out and gave it to me and then made me move in with him to take care of said creature. preferably small and well behaved along with adorable -- cats are preffered in my book but I've warmed up nicely in our discussions of having a dog in the Wonderland Future that we discuss from time to time.

4. I can paint him a cool picture of a classic car. Who am I kidding I can't paint real things -- I can paint abstract color blobs. And no offense to me - but I wouldn't want one of the only things hanging on his wall to be a crappy ass picture I pretended to paint. Plus - I might have fun doing this - but in the end result would not even be worthy of Country Kitchen art, no refrigerator -- unless it was some mini fridge under the bar - where no can see it refrigerator.


5. crochet him a sweater. again, not going happen - too much time, bad execution of yarn projects that aren't just big rectangles. Plus he's never even used the scarf I made him -- but he has it still - we do use the afghan I made him - it doesn't match his couch but he went out and got a new couch - and I'm sure his thoughts weren't what will match my afghan...

6. bake him peanut butter heart shaped cookies. he loves my peanut butter cookies. but I have not been motivated to bake. alas veto list again.

7. movies. although nice-- also pretty lame.
8. books. although nice-- also pretty lame.


Ahhh! So what in the world do I get the fantastic boyfriend for his 34th birthday?

9. 34 powerballs? nope lame

10. nothing.

But this is the most fabulous result from google:

MANGROOMER Do-It-Yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver



SO what did I get him? Nothing. Well, I made him dinner: Alaskan King Crab and New York Strip Steak, Baked potato, texas toast and then I let him have full reign over the tv.

SO What did we watch. Well, Friday night, we watched a good 35 minutes of Amatures. It's about a bunch of townies making an amature porn. Dave gave up on this attempt of a man-comedy on his own, but I was happy he turned it off. Then on Saturday, we watched a couple episodes of Sunny in Philadelphia and House and the cheesy movie What happens in Vegas. It was a good lazy weekend mostly spent in front of the tv.

For Dave's birthday we went out for breakfast to eat and read the paper. How adorable right? So we sat and read the paper - ate our breakfast, I shared my bacon with him as he didn't have any and I had 5 pieces. Now, I love bacon- but 5 pieces in addition to hasbrowns, eggs and toast is a bit much. So we read the paper and chit chatted over breakfast. I didn't get to do my puzzle but that's ok -
I'm going to pick up a suduko book today or tomorrow so we can do puzzles together. How sick is that?

We lounged around most of the afternoon on Saturday. He took me out for dinner for being so fantastic and not making a huge deal out of his birthday, okay maybe that wasn't the reason - but anyways we went out for dinner and had a Saturday night date. Then I went home cause he had to work overnight last night.

In the Vegas movie, there was bit about putting the toilet seat down, I let him gently know that we can talk about this later since it's his birthday but I think he got the hint, he needs to work on putting it down.

I did sing to him on several occaisons my annoying birthday song. He plugged his ears as expected since my singing voice - well it's not pretty.

Ok so I've seen some pretty bad movies in my day - Requium for a dream, Fight Club, Resevoir Dogs, but the underlying theme in the aforementioned movies has a certain man factor quotient, I can't really think of a bad chick flick - or drama.

However, yesterday while waiting for Drunkaroo to call I watched: Not My Life
with my mom -- it was the saturday afternoon B movie of the day.

I was horrible -- and yet we watched the whole thing. THe acting was bad, the plot was mediocre at best - the star was Andie from dawson's creek - don't really know her real name -

It was horrible and horrific and super dee dooper bad B-c- or D movie - and yet we were engrossed to see how bad it could get.

So if it's ever on -- don't let it suck you in - becuase the end result will be - That suck and I want those 2 hours of my life back.

For more details about this piece of crap movie - in order to avoid watching it:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0827179/

I liketo give advice -- sometimes when unwarrented or not needed - but I usualy save my so-called sage advice for my friends. Never to strangers - unless it's more of a helpful hint -- like ps. you have tp on your shoe or you have a bug on you.

I was in subway -- getting lunch - 2 sandwhiches.
I normally get the turkey - but today is not a turkey kind of day - today was a blt kind of day - and the subway by my work always skimps on the bacon. I love bacon but in moderation - so once in awhile I'll indulge.

I got Dave's sandwhich and then ordered my sandwhich - a blt - extra bacon. When I ordered my sandwhich I was the last in line -- not looking very fabulous as I was wearing clothes from friday -- my hair was still we from my shower -- I ended up somehow getting an exfoliating bead from my cleanser in my eye and so my left eye was pink and puffy and causing rapid blinking.

So they guy scoops up a large wad of bacon for heating -- and now I'm aware of the person behind me in line.

"Wow - that's a lot of bacon" weird dude exclaims

"yep. it's more than I imagined" i reply

"What is it for?" weird dude inquires - as the bacon is removed from the microwave aka bacon zapper

The bacon is then placed on my bread and before they can ask me what I want on it -

weird dude inquires : "What elese are you going to get on it?"

"Well it's a blt - so lettuce and tomato"

"Well someone needs to get a gym membership after that sandwhich"

No response - I mean seriously what do you say to that- I'm not grossly obese - I'm now classifing myself as curvy as I've put on some weight this year. I'm not in denial, I've accepted my new soft parts and moved on.

Weird dude is obvious to his devisating commentary as he has his nasty tuna fish white conglomerated goop on his perfectly good bread - totally ruining it with the tuna fish infestation. I hope he gets an overdose of Omeaga 3 fatty goodness and develops a rash similar to that which my cat gets when ever he has fish.

I rattle of my ingrediant requests for Dave's sandwhich and mine -

Weird guy has nothing more to say.

I pay and fill my diet coke and leave.

Weird guy leaves before me - as I had some issues trying to put the lid on my cup without crying.

Weird dude heads to the chiropractic office next door.

I head back home to dave's, crying the whole way home.

So yesterday, Dave had some golf thing for work to attend. He asked me to be his designated driver- I dropped him off at the golf course a little before 9 am. He stated that he should be done around 6 but he would call, and we could go out for a Saturday night date night.

Well I went about my day, got my hair cut and my eyebrows and lip waxed - endured the pain an agony for beauty. Came home - vegged out, took a nap. Fixed my hair from the nap -- put on make up and looked super cute for date night.

6: no call, no text.

7: no call, no text.

7:15 I text him inquiring on his best guess for time -- they are eating dinner right now.
I'm slightly irritated at this time, but make a bowl of nacho cheese fiesta soup and eat it since I won't be going out to dinner for date night. But maybe we can catch a late movie.

8:00 Text received - almost done

8:15 I head out the door pull out of the drive way, get around the corner and get another text.

8:16 Text reads something to the effect that there is a benifit and it will be awhile.

9:00 Figure that it will be over with by 9:30 and I'm 20 minutes away so I leave my house.

9:15 Sitting in dark almost empty golf course parking lot, text Dave to tell him I am here when he's done.

9:20 Receive text that he's not there - he's downtown Minneapolis. A good half hour from this dark secluded parking lot in the midst of cornfields.

9:21 Leaving the golf course and calling Dave.

9:21-9:30 Conversation filled with his drunken apologies. I'm irritated, sober and try to be the fantastic girlfriend I am - I offer to pick his drunk ass up but he can't call after 11.

9:45 Arrive at the gas station to get essential pissed off goodies - i.e. diet coke and cigarettes.

10:00 arrive home, watch tv - get fuming mad and ready for bed, feel disappointed and irritated and chaulk it up to stupid boyfirend behavior.

11:00 In bed, retainer in mouth, head on pillow, cat snuggled with me watching SNL.

11:01 Receive text: Do you want to meet me at my house?

11:02 Receive text: Cause if you're not coming over I'll stay at my friend place.

11:03 Sent text: I'll come over - but I'm not putting clothes on I'm in my jammies.

11:04 Yes, I do believe this is the first every booty call from the boyfriend. I'll humor him but he's not getting any tonight.

11:05 Call dave. no answer
11:05 Text dave - Do you want me to come over?

11:06 Receive call - I got a ride home are you coming over?

11:07 yes, I'm coming over, I'll see you in 30 minutes, are you going to be passed out when I get there? "No"

11:10 In my car pulling out of the driveway, receive call from Dave aka Drunkaroo who has been drinking now since 9:30 am. Are you coming over? Yes, I'm in the car - Oh well I just got a text -- I sent that to you before you called earlier. Oh ok - I want you to come over. Ok I'm on my way.

11:45ish Arrive at dave's clad in my pink snow flake fleece pants and wsu t-shirt and green hoodie -- all items pretty much a fashion no no - and when put together I look hideous. My face has been washed and my hair is now a disaster so much for cute date night.

12:00 We're in bed cuddling and he's telling me about his day and how he won an XYZ tee shirt and pocket knife. I proclaim that's amazing since the best thing I get is a safety packet in June for safety month.

12:30 He's still apologizing and smells of alcohol and his deoderant has given out on him. So pleasant. But we make up from our first little fight.

7:00 am He wants to snugggle and make out & be romantic on a Sunday morning.
I mumble to him that if he wakes me up - I'm going to be up and I will make it miserable for him to try and sleep. He persists. We snuggle and fall back asleep.

8:30 He wants to snugggle and make out & be romantic on a Sunday morning.
I mumble to him that if he wakes me up - I'm going to be up and I will make it miserable for him to try and sleep. He persists. We snuggle and fall back asleep.

11:00 I wake up - I know a miracle that I was able to go back to sleep. Tickle fights and the idea of going to lunch is tossed around.

11:30 I get out of bed - get dressed in the clothes I wore on Friday - can't very well go out in the world wearing snow flake pajama pants.

11:31 Look in the mirror and see the disaster that is my hair complete with the 20 products my hair chick used to make me fantastically beautiful - now looks like small animals have taken refuge in my hair. Shower is needed.

12:10 We are both showered - I'm dressed and Dave is in his robe and he wants me to go out an get sandwhiches... he has to call his insurance adjusters for some issue - fine - I go to subway get us our sandwhiches. Have a horrible experience at subway that is going to be a completely separate post.

12:40 I get back - we eat our subs and then he puts on sports so we both take a nap on the couch.

4:00 I get up from the nap - get a diet coke, gather my things tell Dave I have to go do laundry and go home to get ready for the week. He gets up gives me a hug and kiss goodbye.

SO Camille at work confessed that now that her husband knows about her infidelities - and still wants to be with her, she now has the itch more than ever to be unfaithful.

I scold her and try to deter her from being a grade a bitch of a wife. Somehow, I think this will have no effect.

Is it true: Once a cheater always a scumbag?

I want to believe in the good in everyone - yes, I know how naive and pathetic.

But I really think that she will cheat again. I wish she just leave him then and just go about her unfulfilled fantasies.

Marriage isn't a prison - it's a choice and place to grow with someone - now granted people will often grow apart or move on to greener pastures and I have no idea what marriage is like since I'm not the cool yet. But I know that marriage sucks sometimes -- people get married and there are issues and problems and life shit that gets in the way of the marital bliss phenomenon. That's why we have shows like Desperate Housewives... ha.

A little bit more about Camille, this is her second marriage -- the first one from what I gather was a bad fit and she left the scum bag. Then her and #2 got married after a brief courtship - 6 months or something. A little risky but it's worked for others. Now they have the rug rat crew and cat and some how all that they are as a couple isn't enough for Camille.

She has an addictive personality -- she's gotten several tattoos in the past months - I'm fine with tattoos but more than 2 in a such a short time span screams that she is trying to self soothe in some new way. Same with shopping. She loves to shop - I guess I've given up on shopping, it's just not fun for me anymore. I buy what a need and once in awhile I need what I want and that's how it is.

She's a great friend and I really wish she would just try to get a fix on what is going on that she is being so thrill seeking and destructive to her marriage. I just don't get it.

I've offically moved back to my beloved Texas region at work. Goodbye dark side of the buidling with no windows and goodbye to my "naughty corner" cubical. Good bye Ima Horrible-Boss and good bye snappy canadians who don't like it when I call them with my "state side voice".

It was amazing how happy I was at work yesterday. A little sunshine can make a difference.

So that's a good news, I did have an emotional break down in a meeting with my bosses' bosses office. Alas happiness is bound to be the emotion instead of dread and distain. At least for awhile.

So I'm going to say this -- the Rules are lame and needed to be broken.

I broke down and called Dave yesterday because I had fantastic news.

I'm thinking The Rules apply to only certain people. Or can only be do-able by certain people. I am not one of them. I'm impatient, in love and currently the rules provide me with no real benifit - this was determined after 24 hours of thinking about participating in the rules and then giving up on them completly.

#1) Southerners -- don't ask me why but the Rules are a little step back to the time of Gone With the Wind mixed in with re-run scandals and drama from Dallas.

#2) Delicate creatures -- I'm not delicate-- I'm a creature unlike any other because I can be rude and blunt. I swear and pass gas, and urinate with out abandon anywhere I need to, including the great wide yonder and I'm not going to have a hissy fit if I'm amongst nature and need to drip dry.

#3) Must have the following:

Long flowing hair -- lots of hair flipping and playing with hair tips to seduce in the book. Short to medium frizzy, wavy or poofy hair is no where mentioned or described on how to make it look appealing let alone seductive.

Manicured fingernails: I think the world should feel blessed if I paint them with clear polish. I had pretty fingernails -- but seriously it's not worth the time, money or destruction to my natural nail to have arcylics on and well I'm still bite them when I'm stressed out.

Pedicured feet: My toenails are slivers and although I've tried the press on toe nails-- I think Dave would be slightly disturbed if one popped off while he was tormenting me by tickling my feet -- and frankly that's one rule I'll follow: Do not gross out the boyfriend with toenails falling off in a tickle fight.

High heels: I'm practically falling and tripping over my feet and or shoes when I wear flats. High heels although super adorable, and I've learned how to walk in them -- always result in a) sore feet b) blisters c) swollen or spraigned ankles. I've given up -- I need flats and that's that. I might consider a wedge but nothing like the fun flirty shoes I once wore. Unless of course New Balance or Puma branch out to the high heel market then I might consider but I"m pretty sure they'd be f-ugly.

Lipstick: Plenty of teasing tips with lipstick - but frankly I feel slightly whorish while wearing it, not sure what it is - I'm fine with every other make up product but for my lips I prefer a clear gloss or my all time favorite grape chapstick, or cherry if I can't find the grape one or it went through the wash -- knock on wood.


What are my rules then:

1.
I try not to talk about my period, bloatedness, breast tenderness, gyno appointments, and or anything else medically or biologically affiliated with pretty parts with my love nugget - unless need be for obvious reasons.

2.
I try to mute my burps so they are not the buxom Kristen burps you might be familiar with - they are instead dainty -- but Dave is still alarmed by a 1 on the richter scale of burps. So they are smaller cuter and sometimes funny. But no longer the alphabet or loud booming burps they once were. I've tried - but I physically can not burp a big one in front of him.

Same with farts -- I'll try to excuse myself - but after eating a burito or any other gas inducing foods -- they are bound to happen - so I wait until he fluffs first and then try to be quiet and non-deadly. I will my fluffer farts to be delicate and smell like an ocean breaze. haha- I'm not very skilled at willing them this way - but I will one day percivere.

3. We share the tab -- we don't follow any sort of rhyme or reason but we each take turns. Same with driving. Yes, he still remembers my doors most of the time. I'm not the queen of England so I can't expect that he should get them every time but he's pretty good about it.

4. I do nice things for him and he does nice things for me. i.e. I do the dishes, he remembers to bring up a towel for me at night so when I get up before him I don't have to stumble downstairs and get one in the morning. cute and dorky tenderness, no where mentioned in the rules book...

5. We are open and honest about stuff -- I even have a special "disapproving look" face that he is an expert at identifying.

So my rule is just to be me and not play ridiculous games otherwise I might come off as a weirdo and I'm already a freak of nature.

This is a brief list of the rules from Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider's book titled The Rules:

#1: Be a creature unlike any other: Ok I get that, be confident, alluring etc. I more like a wackadoo but I guess that works - I'm unlike any other right?

#2: Don't talk to a man first (Don't ask him to dance). Ok the speak when spoken to - a little dated and no worries on the dancing part -- this body doesn't dance, maybe it's part of being a creature unlike any other.

#3: Don't stare at Men or Talk to Much. OK I won't look longingly in his eyes and I'll put the babbling brook that is my mouth in check.

#4: Don't meet him halfway or go dutch on a date. Well I normally go to his place- - what am I supposed to do - drive an hour and fifteen minutes home and wait for him to pick me up? That's ridiculous we wouldn't get to dinner until my body was feeding off itself -- maybe that would be the way to go then?

#5: Don't call him and rarely return his calls. I get the don't call him part -- make him call you, wait in misery for the call but not to call him back isn't that rude?

#6: Always end the phone call first. I'm bad at this - I go on and on sometimes. But I guess I can practice this one.

#7: Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. Shit, I can barely even get a Saturday night date now - especially during classic car show season. But ok -- so Dave has until tonight to a) call me b) make plans for Saturday. grr. I'm going to have another boring weekend.

#8: Fill up your time before the date. I'm past the pretty stage but I guess I could try a little harder to be cute before a date and that would fill up the time.

#9: Always end the date first. Our dates usually end when we get up and go to work in the morning.

#10: Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for Valentines or your birthday- phew, he's safe he did a great job with both Valentines and Birthday presents.

#11: Don't see him more than once or twice a week. Umm that's the current problem?

#12: No more than casual kissing on the first date. Well we were good kids, I don't think we kissed until the third date.

#13: Don't rush into sex -- well it's happened, don't be alarmed and no it's not going to be given up for the sake of the rules... I need it too much.

#14: Don't tell him what to do. I'll ask nicely and say please.

#15: Let him take the lead. Yep, that's the plan. It usually results in watching tv and cooking for him. Some lead...

#16: Don't expect a man to change or try to change him. Ok, but seriously- if I'm washing the dishes he could at least rinse them.

#17: Don't open up to fast: I'm open, but it's happened over time.

#18: Be honest but Mysterious. Grr these sound like head games... I'm not that good at head games, I'm better at board games.

#19: Don't live with a man - or leave your things at his place. What? That's the goal. Plus, I need certain things at his house for getting ready in the morning.

#20: Don't date a married man. ok. not an issue.


So that's the plan... I don't think I'll last 2 days but that's the plan.

SO it was decided that we would celebrate Labor day weekend as anniversary weekend.
I forgot there was 31 days in August so I told Dave weeks ago to pick a day between 21-30. He picked the 31st. So then it was said that I expected two cards then 1 for the 30 and one for the 1st -- just teasing, but really not... We never really had a day when we it was decided what we are. He wanted to go by the first date which is cute - but has already passed and I explained to him that was the day I gave you your watch with the new battery as clocks and watches are tradition for 1 year anniversaries -- ok I left the last part out as to not freak him out. So technically out anniversary is August 6th.

I told him let's not make a big production out of it. Wrong thing to say.

I picked him up a cute card and that bacon chocolate bar. Along with fixings for beef stroganauf and breakfast. It was decided that we would spend the day together Sunday and Monday.

So I got up. Got ready, went to the store ran some errands. Boring Sunday morning crap. Waiting for the phone to ring. I read a book -- which I'll go into more later. 12, no phone call. 1 no phone call, 2, I'm pissed off and no phone call, 3I'm irritated and then it dawns on me -- maybe he's out shopping? quarter to 4 he calls --- There will be no wedding this weekend -- that was the delay, his friend Randy's son was planning on having some sort of shit gun wedding this weekend in Vegas -- and Dave agreed to watch the dog if he needed to leave town. So what's the plan I ask? He said it's up to me -- I hate this - fine if we are going to dinner after work - but jiminey crickets woo me once in awhile it's really not that hard!

SO maybe I was pmsing, mad about wasting a day sitting around waiting for love nugget to call me, and just a little moody in general.

So I go over there -- he's not hungry yet. So we watch bad tv -- hang out on the couch - I give him his card and chocolate bar. He doesn't have a card for me. Now, I know what you are thinking - who cares. I care, I love cards. I can't help it. I'm not asking him to write me a love letter every day of the week - I'm not even expecting a special message , just a nice card - and him signing his name.

So I run to the store pick up a couple things. In the meantime - he does his dishes. I make dinner -- while he watches tv. But he's checking in on me and my progress during dinner - kissing me on the forehead, tickling me etc. so now I'm less mad. We eat, watch tv toddle off to bed ...

We get up the following morning - lay in bed and talk for awhile. I get up and start making breakfast - eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, english muffins. Excited to spend a whole day being lazy with him. No longer irritated, just chalking it up to him being a man and clueless and me being slightly hormonal and expecting him to be a mind reader. But mind you I did text him to tell him I found a funny treat for him. That should have been a clue to at least have a card. oh well.

After breakfast, we shower, talk about politics, and then he proclaims it's time to go -- go where? Well, I can tell you -- or it can be a surprise. I'll take the surprise.

So we are on the way to the unknown, I start guessing and he says "maybe" to everything. Then he proclaims we are going to a car show. I fake pout as I usually do. But we end up at the Minnesota Zoo.

I've been wanting to go -- since it had been forever since I've been but I wanted to have a camera with me -- but no such luck. So we walk the course of the Zoo looking at everything, trying to avoid the bad smelling places. We go everywhere except the Barn yard animals. It was fun - the annoying parents and children were minimal. It was a good time.

We leave and head back -- I suggest going to cold stone for ice cream, he suggests dairy queen since it's lighter. I rarely crave ice cream so ok fine dairy queen works. We head home, eat our ice cream and then I proclaim it's nap time. I take a nap on the couch - he moves to his chair, watches some tv. I get up about an hour later -- he moves to the couch to take his nap and I move to the chair.


Then we talk about his lack of card for said anniversary. He said we agreed not to make a big deal about it - so I pouted and said yes, that's true but you know I love cards. Remember the Valentines episode, he neglected to get me a card then too... So I say well a card and flowers or candies would have been nice.

I say I'm going to get going - I have laundry and all sorts of junk to take care of, inquire when would be good this week to get together. Maybe Thursday, I request a regular date night like Friday or Saturday - he doesn't have any plans yet so most likely. I head home. But first he hugs me and tells me he's an anaconda then fluffs my hair and tells me he's a bat. Then kisses me good bye.

SO now, onto the book I read while I was waiting for him...

I read "The Rules" some of which is completely unreasonable but some is worth a try -- I don't know how successful I'll be playing the rules now that we've been together for year but I'm going to give it a shot. I'll post a separate post going into detail about the rules...

So I live with my family -- but when I lived with roommates I had a great time - sure we had fights over the dishes - or my shoulder was soggy from a particular crier. But overall I was blessed with good roommates. Sure I have my favorites and my least favorite but overall I was able to live with everyone just fine. No murders took place at any of the places I resided and all things friendships were in place at the end of the lease.

My sister however -- has had some issues.

She's in her final year at school and she's had some humdinger roommates.

#1: Blooming Prairie girl - I don't remember the name she had but I remember the town she lived in, selective memory at it's finest. She built a fort in the dorm room and hid all of her belongings in said fort and would go home (less than an hour away) for weeks at a time and completely ignore my sister. She eventually dropped out.

#2: Her friend Franny and her lived together or 2 years. They've known eachother since highschool and the first year went ok, but the second year ended badly when Franny made friends with Sunnie and Daisy the cheerful girls they were... the three of them ignored my sister for the last 4 months of livign together and didn't tell her that they were moving out at the end of the lease. They just up and moved.

Obviously I'm biased for my sister -- I've lived with her. I know she has her moments- we shared a room for a number of years but in general she's a great roommate -- a little bit of a neat freak - but overall she's just has pms moments like the rest of us and she just happens to like everything in a certain place... she got made when the spice rack wasn't in the correct order when she went to make cookies, maybe she had a moment and ticked someone off - but seriously who can hold a grudge over an out burst over a spice rack ( the following example is only used as an imaginitive illustration and no spices were harmed and or out of order to the best of my knowlege.)

#3 She just acquired some new roommates a couple weeks ago. One girl is from Oklahoma and from what Peewee (my adorable sissy) said, she's quite the charachter. She has a long distance boyfriend. She doesn't go to school. She shows Peewee all of her groceries. She has a lisp. Her sister lives in the apartment building adjacent to the one my sister and Annie Oakley (Oklahoma girl, not even sure where the really Annie was from but I had a moment of the word association going on in my head, apologies for any inacuracies) but here is the kicker -- she brought her dolls with her to her apartment. She has a collection of China dolls and she has them on display in her bedroom.

Now, I have some china dolls, they are cute and pretty and loved them to death when I was 9. Now they are with my sister's china dolls on top of the piano, down stairs with various other knick knacks...

Just have patience my dear sissy, have some patients.

Looks like another death themed awkward moment. I'll hopefully have a more chipper awkward moment next week. Apologies for the downer topic.


Ok so there is this sorta new girl at work - we call her Cleavy McGee cause she has no concept of what the appropriate dress code entails and some how showing us her saggy mid life crisis wrinkly boobs is the icing on the cake. I've blogged about her before but not sure what alias I gave her then.

So her husband's grandma died. Now I'm not an unsympathetic person by any means - I am sorry for her and her family's loss. But she dominates almost all conversations at break at our beloved picnic table. She's "has" everything, she's "done" everything bigger, better and with more vicissitude than anyone else. Except when the topic turns to sex toys than she just sits there. In a nut shell she drives me crazy. Just be quiet and listen Cleavy. Don't interject your none-sense becuase we all hate you. (OK that made me feel a little better -- see the anger coming out! XYZ Anger Management )

So she is a self proclaimed expert on all things. Including funeral planning.
First off, my dad just past away 3 mo. ago and I don't always want to talk about it - esp. at work. But alas she has brought up the conversation. So she asked how much it cost. OK rude, If it were a pair of shoes, ok fine, still rude, a airplane ticket or gallon of gas, ok rude but understandable in the econmic times we live in. But funeral costs aren't exactly something to talk about over 15 minutes away from the compute screen. But I'm pretty straightfoward with everyone and some how have this badge of obligation to answer a question when asked, So I told her - and then she went on and on how the standard burial is better for the family and friends to process the loss vs. a cremation/ memorial.

So basically, in her "I'm better than everyone" sensability - she tells me "That's too bad that you had to cremate him a proper burial would have been better." I repeat to her how he didn't want to be buried. He wanted to be cremated and how you really have to respect the wishes of the person who has passed. Well, her husbands grandma also wanted to be cremated but they aren't doing that they are going to have the traditional burial. After all she won't know and it's really for the people who are left!

Can you believe this -- My family is crappy cause we didn't spend 10K on a "proper" burial and church hoopla - cause my dad wanted to be cremated and was an atheist. I didn't go into that last detail with her because I don't discuss faith at work even on breaks, too many people out there trying to convert.

But her family is fantastic because they are disregarding all last wishes for their beloved grandmother. And having a ridiculous pompus funeral.

I liked what we did for my dad, it was simple: flowers, urn, stories, pictures and comfortable, it allowed around 250 people to trickle in and out and it was really quite nice and I'd want something very similar for myself.


So I get mad and ignore Cleavy.

Went to lunch at Leann Chin with some friends. And who the heck shows up there -- as we are done eating? None other than Cleavy McGee. So in my blatant bluntness proclaim to the table that it is time to go. Loud enough for Cleavy to hear. Gigi and Feather finish their food and we bust out of Leann Chin's just in the nick of time.

Hope she got a rotten fortune.

I know, what is with the color change -- well, I've been looking for a cuter blog template like dear Ava has but I am unsatisfied with what is already out there pre-made and frankly I'm too lazy to do anything but update my colors on my curent template. So maybe one day I'll have a cutesy blog but today is not that day.

So I went to World Market today with my mom. She needed sherry vinegar and I love stores that have weird crap that you don't see at target and wal-mart.

So I had a sweet tooth while I was there and they have a section for international candies. I bought a bag of Lindt truffles in a new variety: stracciatella and then I found hte perfect candy for Dave.

Dave generally doesn't like candy bars unless they have some substance in them -- like peanuts, carmel, nougat -- he likes baby ruths, snickers, peanut m&ms... but today I found the candy bar of his dreams.





Yes, that's right -- bacon and chocolate: Mo's Bacon Bar.

Now, I'm jsut trying to think of what else to get him for our aniversary - since we haven't celebrated it yet -- and we decided to do so this weekend.

So I know you won't believe it -- but it's been almost 1.5 years since I bought a new purse. I know -- crazy. But the last purse spree I stocked up and had a couple handbags that I rotated properly and now I have this medium brown matches everything handbag -- that well has seen better days. Something has spilled insdie and stained the leather- most of the zippers and snaps work - the handles are still in adequate condition but overall the bag looks like it got into a couple fights with car doors, jamba juice spills, rain, sleet, and the abonimal snow man.

SO I went shopping with Camille one day for lunch - she wanted to look at the purses at TJ Max, which is a great place to look -- once in awhile but most of the time they are crap. But I wasn't looking -- and there it was. A wonderful dark brown - perfect for fall handbag. It's part suede and part glossy but not patent leather -- cute straps - silver detailing big enough and then some to hold all my crap.

I haven't been shopping for me, aside from the essentials -- I've been taking care of a household and I guess I just forgot that I need to buy Kristen something once in awhile, (aside from pre packaged hanes her way underwear, oh the shame.) because I was so happy after I bought it. Giddy almost.

Sooo this week I found out that my friend Feather at work will be celebrating her last day at XYZ on Wednesday. Not only that but she will be moving, and moving in with her boyfriend Teddy Ruxspin.

I'm jealous for a million reasons -- 1. She doesn't have to deal with Ima Horrible-Person, our boss and the whole XYZ land of insanity. 2. I want to move or move in with Dave but in due time I suppose, can't rush these things and it's only been a year of bliss - although Feather and Teddy have only been together 9 mo. -- different time tables I suppose. 3. She gets to leave XYZ.

So I'm very unhappy at my job right now. In fact every morning I wake up and try to come up with a creative way to call in sick. But then realize that one only has a certain number of allotted sick days and well it's sinus season so I'm bound to get a sinus infection and actually need to use them -- then I have to force myself to go. I put on my happy face and step into the office -- within about 5 minutes I physically feel ill and have to do all I can not to run out the door.

I don't know what it is -- but ever since they moved me over to the Canadian side of things the wee bit of happiness that I am capable of feeling has been sucked out of me and I am becoming bitter, cynical and angry. The source of this could be a variety of things, the Canadians, Ima, and just the tall gray-green cubes that prevent anyone from seeing anyone all darn day, including people, sunlight and or a fax machine. No chit chat on the dark side. No words of encouragement - not that I feed off of that stuff but it is a nice icing on the cake of crud I call work. I'm just unhappy and dread work. I know - everybody hates their job, but seriously I have never been filled with so much disdain.

I used to love work -- I've always loved work and even when I was working in the portable toilet industry - I loved my shitty job. But this - this is not something I signed up for. 1. My boss has told me that I'm a small thinker and that I'm thinking inside a box and she doesn't know how to tell me how to change. And seriously get some new material for telling people in a PC way you think they are stupid, Taco Bell slogans aren't cutting the cake.

I'm a glorified bill collector. I call people (not even real people but businesses - as XYZ doesn't deal with the public at large but only commercial companies) and ask them nicely to pay their bills. Resolve issues and some how I don't even see where this profession has a box. It's not rocket science, it's common sense. One minute they tell me I'm calling them too much, stop faxing statements (Mind you a statement can take 14 days to reach some of the people in Canada - the mail system up there is f-d up)pardon me for being proactive. Then the next minute they want to know why my moring calls have slowed down -- hello these Canadians are on different time zones. I'm not going to call when it's 6:30 in British Columbia, talk to some janitor or maintenance worker who wouldn't know how to transfer me to voicemail if his life depended on it.

So I'm unofficially looking. But in the meantime expressed my unhappiness to Ima and to my old boss and I have an appointment to talk to the head of our office on Wednesday. I'd gladly move back to Texas - and try to go back to normal.