hula hoops and hampster wheels

So I've taken some time to go over in my head what I want/need/deserve for the next relationship I have.

I guess the biggest thing I will need someone who makes an effort. I'm not talking about someone doting on me or hanging on every word - cause you know what kinda random crap comes out of my mouth.

But, the one big thing that was missing from the relationship with Dave was that he did not put in the effort I put in to being a couple or being romantic or knowing me as a person and sharing with me.

I'm not talking grand gestures - I'm talking about once in awhile having a weekend just the two of us. Without making plans in the middle to work on some project or something else or go golfing, get drunk and then forget to call and say oopps I ended up downtown wasted, and I'll have to reschedule our much anticipated Saturday night date night.

Maybe complimenting me, instead of making fun of me. He only told me I was beautiful one time. ONE time over a year and he was drunk. What was I thinking. I never heard a you look nice if I dressed up or tried to be cute. In fact I don't remember one single compliment.

Yes, he was good at comforting me when I needed him most but as far as trying to understand me or talk about things that I'm going through - most recently I wanted to have the "what's your take on the afterlife" conversation cause I'm in greif and I'm conflicted at the moment at what I believe in if anything. He couldn't even offer anything besides a shrug and an I don't know.


I never got to meet his friends or family. Granted he only met my friends at my dad's funeral and on one bbq adventure at Heather's but he was invited to come meet my friends and family on several occaisons. But was always busy. Maybe he was hiding me, maybe I'm not as pretty/successful/charming/dainty as the last one he brought home, maybe he's ashamed of me for a plethora of unknown reasons. Maybe having a secret girlfriend in your 30's is way more fun than in the 7th grade. Who knows.

I'm hurting right now and I'm in the anger phase of this breakup - and I'm feeling dumb and stupid for letting myself love someone who obviously didn't want to, and or couldn't love me.