hula hoops and hampster wheels

So I'm going to say this -- the Rules are lame and needed to be broken.

I broke down and called Dave yesterday because I had fantastic news.

I'm thinking The Rules apply to only certain people. Or can only be do-able by certain people. I am not one of them. I'm impatient, in love and currently the rules provide me with no real benifit - this was determined after 24 hours of thinking about participating in the rules and then giving up on them completly.

#1) Southerners -- don't ask me why but the Rules are a little step back to the time of Gone With the Wind mixed in with re-run scandals and drama from Dallas.

#2) Delicate creatures -- I'm not delicate-- I'm a creature unlike any other because I can be rude and blunt. I swear and pass gas, and urinate with out abandon anywhere I need to, including the great wide yonder and I'm not going to have a hissy fit if I'm amongst nature and need to drip dry.

#3) Must have the following:

Long flowing hair -- lots of hair flipping and playing with hair tips to seduce in the book. Short to medium frizzy, wavy or poofy hair is no where mentioned or described on how to make it look appealing let alone seductive.

Manicured fingernails: I think the world should feel blessed if I paint them with clear polish. I had pretty fingernails -- but seriously it's not worth the time, money or destruction to my natural nail to have arcylics on and well I'm still bite them when I'm stressed out.

Pedicured feet: My toenails are slivers and although I've tried the press on toe nails-- I think Dave would be slightly disturbed if one popped off while he was tormenting me by tickling my feet -- and frankly that's one rule I'll follow: Do not gross out the boyfriend with toenails falling off in a tickle fight.

High heels: I'm practically falling and tripping over my feet and or shoes when I wear flats. High heels although super adorable, and I've learned how to walk in them -- always result in a) sore feet b) blisters c) swollen or spraigned ankles. I've given up -- I need flats and that's that. I might consider a wedge but nothing like the fun flirty shoes I once wore. Unless of course New Balance or Puma branch out to the high heel market then I might consider but I"m pretty sure they'd be f-ugly.

Lipstick: Plenty of teasing tips with lipstick - but frankly I feel slightly whorish while wearing it, not sure what it is - I'm fine with every other make up product but for my lips I prefer a clear gloss or my all time favorite grape chapstick, or cherry if I can't find the grape one or it went through the wash -- knock on wood.


What are my rules then:

1.
I try not to talk about my period, bloatedness, breast tenderness, gyno appointments, and or anything else medically or biologically affiliated with pretty parts with my love nugget - unless need be for obvious reasons.

2.
I try to mute my burps so they are not the buxom Kristen burps you might be familiar with - they are instead dainty -- but Dave is still alarmed by a 1 on the richter scale of burps. So they are smaller cuter and sometimes funny. But no longer the alphabet or loud booming burps they once were. I've tried - but I physically can not burp a big one in front of him.

Same with farts -- I'll try to excuse myself - but after eating a burito or any other gas inducing foods -- they are bound to happen - so I wait until he fluffs first and then try to be quiet and non-deadly. I will my fluffer farts to be delicate and smell like an ocean breaze. haha- I'm not very skilled at willing them this way - but I will one day percivere.

3. We share the tab -- we don't follow any sort of rhyme or reason but we each take turns. Same with driving. Yes, he still remembers my doors most of the time. I'm not the queen of England so I can't expect that he should get them every time but he's pretty good about it.

4. I do nice things for him and he does nice things for me. i.e. I do the dishes, he remembers to bring up a towel for me at night so when I get up before him I don't have to stumble downstairs and get one in the morning. cute and dorky tenderness, no where mentioned in the rules book...

5. We are open and honest about stuff -- I even have a special "disapproving look" face that he is an expert at identifying.

So my rule is just to be me and not play ridiculous games otherwise I might come off as a weirdo and I'm already a freak of nature.