So I received another verbal warning yesterday. That's two so far. But both have been since July.
I might need an anger management class haha. Actually, I know I've been snappy and I'm going to blame the economy.
Fix the economy and my temper will be fixed.
Ok maybe that's a bit irrational.
Fix all the problems of the world and then just maybe - my temper will dissapate.
Maybe I'm just moody and I can't help it.
I was out of chocolate the other day when I lashed out -- I didn't call anyone a peon this time -- just asked her if that's how she does her job.
Oppps
I need a stress ball that is resistant to arcylic nails.
Sooo I was in TJ max the other day -- wasting an hour for lunch.
And they had my vita k under eye cream so I picked a couple up.
I also was extra adventurous after reading Ava's blog about skin care and now I'm over analyzing every nook n cranny on my face.
So I picked up a new moisturizer.
The label is mostly in german and so I googles it but only came across pictures of wind mills and a message about wind energy
Soo apprently I'm finally doing something good for the environment. haha.
Ooh ok I found it:
BALANCED PROTECTION COMPLEX
WHITE TEA • CLOVER • SPICY BASIL
Stimulating day cream for all skin types
Red clover stimulates cell metabolism
Spicy basil reduces inflammation
ENERGY SOURCE – the stimulating day cream for all skin types. This unique high-effect formula is based on white tea – one of nature’s most potent antioxidants – which provides long-lasting support for the skin’s natural oil replenishment processes and protects against environmental toxins. in addition to the anti-inflammatory effects of spicy basil, red clover activates cell metabolism, resulting in a visibly firmer and noticeably smoother complexion.
Anyways it's a nice refreshing moisturizer.. for 7.99 who can really complain.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day one - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Dick Cheney: Where's my gun?
Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!
Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of us chickens.
Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.
Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side'. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious scare of moulting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one???
My first day at XYZ was Halloween. What a horrible first day to start at an office. The girl that was training me in was in a back to the 50's poodle skirt and would wear roller skates from time to time. Some other person was in a Hawaiian Shirt and had zinc under his eyes. I thought these peole were crazy. And this year - on my 3 year anniversary at XYZ I will finally partake in the costume fun.
I will be Punky Brewster. So I have to find some wacky 80's shirt - some bandanas to tie around my knees and put my hair in in pig tails -- or mini pigtails.
This Saturday there is a parade in the adjacent city - the Halloween Capitol of the World. I haven't been in ages but thinking of going. Who knows.
Any candy that's many ingredient is candy and costumes -- is fine by me in my book.
Pulling the fork out.
Maybe this is what he wanted - for me to get so pissed off and angry I'd want to just move on.
Outside stress isn't a reason for ending a relationship. If that was the case I would have dumped him ages ago.
I'm hoping our discussion is amicable on Monday and some time down the road we can be friends- because we do enjoy eachother's companionship. But I obviously can't give him what he needs, he can't tell me what he needs, and most of all he can't give me what I need.
So I'm officially done.
Onto the next dating adventure.
So I briefly talked to Dave tonight to set up a time to talk since he didn't call or text before I was already home.
And so I asked him where he was with everything, he still doesn't know.
I expressed my need to a reason, he just said he's under stress.
So I ask if I've caused this stres, no his work and family.
but I've contributed to it, some how...
So I apologize for complicating his life
We agree to talk on Monday.
So Dave and I are going to sit down and talk about things this week.
And I'm a little annoyed, that he gave me no warning when he instituted the break, that he hasn't been the blue ribbon boyfirend we all dream of.
So in my typical girl over analyzing everything fashion, what will be the result of our conversation.
He will either say, that he's messed up, apologize for putting me through this confusing hiatus and that he wants to try and work on us.
He will tell me that he needs to be single for whatever reason. And then I will have to officially move on.
If he wants to work on things - I am cautious but willing, because I love him. I'm already hurting and right now the only comfort I want is him holding me.
If he needs to be single for whatever reason, and it better be a good one, I'll try to accept it but at this point without knowing why or what I'm clueless to how I'll respond.
So that's the game plan.
So when a not so emotional friend has a breakdown over dirty dishes, the troops are called in - I happened to be one of the troops. Ultimate friendship is being able to clean someone elses home when they themselves are distraugt at the attempt of it alone. This my dears could be the basic outline of a lifetime movie. Only in the end the evil roomate would have to have some sort of fatal illness.
So I depart the metro area, headed toward quieter scenic byways and to places that have what do you call them, oh - yes, townies. To see them walking on the sidewalk is almost a joy, funny head pieces, mis-matched striped pants with some teen agnst sweatshirt. People in mis matched pajamas outside doing every day things.
My first stop was Rochester. A city away from the cities. An evening with Ava - making taco dinner, craving brownies and icecream while watching what can only be described as the cheesiest movie ever - Aquamarine. SO many puns even my head hurt and I groaned at the horrible attempt to connect everyday item/phrases into some marine reference. Ava has several examples of the ones we caught listed on her blog perpetually single.
After an evening of cheesy movie, and making some cinonmon butter coffee cake concotion and watching tv - it was time for bed.
A miracle happened. I slept in past 10:30 - it was at least 10:34 by the kitchen clock. A miracle because - well let's face facts. I'm an early bird and it often carries over into the weekend.
Next stop, LaCrosse, Wisconsin to help our dear distressed friend Alice clean her apartment that has been overrun with filth, and fruit flies as well as a bunch of other shit. We picked Alice up, first stopping for nourishment at the local McDonalds and then heading to the store to pick up rubber gloves and a few other cleaning tools.
When we arrived at Miss Alice's apartment that she shares with Digby - the messiest gay man to ever have walked the face of the earth. The first thing we noticed was the smell. It was bad, something like the combination of: swamp lands, cat box, and fermenting tea from 3 months ago complete with tea bag decomposition. It was bad, all of the smells were faint and haunting instead of say intense and pungent like a skunk or vomit. So no face masks were required and after a little while we grew accustomed to the smellieness.
At first glance it looked more messy than dirty -- which is a good thing, but soon it was unvieled - pizza plates, water bottles with unknown substances, miscalaneous papers from god knows when. Lots of shit, not fecal matter mind you, but life shit - papers, books, movies, napkins, coupons, shredded powerball and other various lotto tickets.
Ava and I tackled the living room and kitchen, while Alice worked on the bathroom.
Drinking wine in juice glasses and listening to a wide and ecceltic array of music we were able to get the place in tip top shape.
Then we went to dinner, came back watched a cheesy movie and I conked out. And this blog post is the product of the non-miracle that occured. I woke up at 6:30. grrr.
So I've taken some time to go over in my head what I want/need/deserve for the next relationship I have.
I guess the biggest thing I will need someone who makes an effort. I'm not talking about someone doting on me or hanging on every word - cause you know what kinda random crap comes out of my mouth.
But, the one big thing that was missing from the relationship with Dave was that he did not put in the effort I put in to being a couple or being romantic or knowing me as a person and sharing with me.
I'm not talking grand gestures - I'm talking about once in awhile having a weekend just the two of us. Without making plans in the middle to work on some project or something else or go golfing, get drunk and then forget to call and say oopps I ended up downtown wasted, and I'll have to reschedule our much anticipated Saturday night date night.
Maybe complimenting me, instead of making fun of me. He only told me I was beautiful one time. ONE time over a year and he was drunk. What was I thinking. I never heard a you look nice if I dressed up or tried to be cute. In fact I don't remember one single compliment.
Yes, he was good at comforting me when I needed him most but as far as trying to understand me or talk about things that I'm going through - most recently I wanted to have the "what's your take on the afterlife" conversation cause I'm in greif and I'm conflicted at the moment at what I believe in if anything. He couldn't even offer anything besides a shrug and an I don't know.
I never got to meet his friends or family. Granted he only met my friends at my dad's funeral and on one bbq adventure at Heather's but he was invited to come meet my friends and family on several occaisons. But was always busy. Maybe he was hiding me, maybe I'm not as pretty/successful/charming/dainty as the last one he brought home, maybe he's ashamed of me for a plethora of unknown reasons. Maybe having a secret girlfriend in your 30's is way more fun than in the 7th grade. Who knows.
I'm hurting right now and I'm in the anger phase of this breakup - and I'm feeling dumb and stupid for letting myself love someone who obviously didn't want to, and or couldn't love me.
As Dave are on a break and I was hopeful yesterday, today - I've started the Welcome Back to Singledom Orientation. If in the end things work out with Dave, fantastic- but if whatever it is, is beyond repair or an attempt on his part - then I'm not so shell shocked.
I've colored my hair. Thought about getting a gym membership -that I would actually use. Considered drinking excessivly while eating excessively but then that would only mean more work outs at the gym. Now I'm getting ready for retail therapy - but I don't really need anything, or want anything in particular.
I would go get my nails done and be ultra girl-a-rific but I was unconsiously biting them and now my cuticles are all bloody and disgusting. Don't want to hurt them anymore - but I'm leaving them alone in hope to be able to go next week and have a full set of short but pretty french manicured arcylics. This will be a pain in the ass when I decide that I'd rather just have my natural nail and have to go through that paper thin nail crap - but alas I want to feel a little pretty so it's the plan.
Today I'm going with the very cliched boomarang philosophy - let love free and eventually, just maybe it will come back to me.
So yeah, back to singledom.
SO I called him - I know,I broke rule #1 of breaking up. But I love him too much just to walk away- I needed him to know I think that it's worth it to work on us and well, Becuase I'm sorry, but he doesn't get to leave me hanging while he goes on a two week hiatus from our relationship for answers to basic questions.
jist of the conversation...
He cares about me and loves me - but something in his own world isn't right and he doesn't know where he is with everything, including me. Not a real defintitive answer to anything was given, but I can now honestly believe that it's not me and stop beating myself up about gaining weight and being moody and not being the prettiest or not being the trophy girlfriend, we all know I'm not graceful enough for that label.
So a little space is needed - I guess I can use this time for me - to start painting again or crochet something. Maybe work on the novel.
If it doesn't work out between us, it's not going to be because I didn't try or care enough. It'll be what it's going to be and right now it's in limbo and I'm sad and scared and hopeful.
So if anyone wants to play me in scramble I'm game!
I've even taken a vacation day tomorrow to sleep in (shocker) and get some crap in Kristen world straightened out.
So I was completely blindsighted last night when Dave had me over to talk.
He didn't really have a reason and couldn't tell me what went wrong other than it's him and not me. That he thinks I'm great and wonderful and that he loves me - but his heart isn't all in it. Then as the evening progressed, he wants to take a break and then talk again in a 2 weeks.
Maybe to see if I'm the root of his unhappiness. Maybe to weigh out bachelorhood vs. commited relationship, Who knows?
WTF.
Where did this come from, I don't know.
I'm sad and hurt and confused because I love him.
My whole take on it is - he either loves me and is scared about the intensity of love or he just doesn't or can't love me.
