Everyone has met them -- they are the fakers in the office. There are usually two varieties, both equally annoying.
#1: The know-it all new guy:
Just before I moved into my new job -- I had to train someone into my old job -- so I thought I'd be blessed and have someone that was already at the office and I would just show them how things go Texas style. The paperwork in Texas was more demanding than in any other state/region so it would require spending sometime with someone to make sure they understood, preliens, liens, bonds and ugg waivers. I'll stop with the boringness now. But I didn't get a transplant... no ... I got a complete newbie. We'll call him Stanley.
Stanley is creepy. He's mid-fifties. He's had every job imaginable -- but the most fitting way to describe him as 1980's car salesman. He's got his office approved polo shirt and his fluffy chest hair popping out. But before it can pop out completly it first must entertwine with his gold chain. Gross. He's worked on a similar system to our beloved software from circa 1994 the one and only AS400. I begin training -- with simple obseveration method. I have on my headset -- and connected to my headset -- is the training headset. Stanley likes to chit chat -- I'm not here to sit and talk about bs, I'm here to show dippity doo how to do the job. I suggest that he take notes. "Nah, I'll get it when I get to sit down and do it, I've worked on this system before -- I know everything there is to know since the begining of time becuase I'm an arogant piece of poo Stanley" -- I respond ok -- and continue going through the 14 million screens and how to get to each one -- and what to look for and what's important. I suggest -- do you think it might help to write any of this down? "Nope, I've got it." Ok -- I'm half expecting him to point to his head.
Training continues. He's still not taking any notes -- no reminders. Then we start making calls.
"Good afternoon PBJ this is Punky how can I help you" the call takes place -- ends and then Stanley pipes in "I don't think you need to say all that --" Excuse me? "Your intro is a bit long you don't need to say all that." "Listen, Stanley -- we are customer service orientated -- this means internal and external -- and although you can take certain liberties with your intro -- just saying : "Stanley speaking" is rude and unproffesional -- If you have any questions about the greeting you should talk to Hank, he's the supervisor you can ask him. Stanley nods. Then pipes in again "You should really give out the toll-free number instead of your direct line" ------ "No, Stanley, we don't give the toll free number out unless it is requested. This is your phone number -- this if your fax -- these are the numbers we use. "But more people would call you back if they had a toll free number" It's a great idea but the switchboard would kill you since all the toll free calls go directly to them --- this is your number -- this is your fax. "I'm going to use the toll free number instead of this one. " Fine, but you're not supposed to -- you should talk to Hank. "Why don't we get you a legal pad to take some notes Stanley?" Nah, I don't need to take notes. Ok.
Day 2:
Now Stanley is stubborn, arrogant and his posture is less than to be desired. He's sitting back in his chair sprawled out acting like he's kind of the cube -- we are connected by a training headset -- and his hand is resting on my arm rest. I'm scooting my chair away. He's now in the computer spot and all of a sudden he wants to know how to get from one screen to the next and what all the F keys do. I get up -- let him try and figure things out -- go to the storage room and get him a damn legal pad and give it to him. "You need to take notes -- the system has hints at the bottom of the screen but not all the funtions are listed --- you need to write this down." He is getting his login information -- does he write down all 5 passwords that have to be different from eachother - and what they go to .... noooooooooooooo He'll remember. 5 minutes later he already forgot one of his passwords. GRRR.
Ps. Stanley has a motorcycle and has asked me to go for a ride. "No Stanley -- I'm not going for a ride -- I hate loud noises and I hate your guts." OK so I don't say the last part -- but he's wasting a week of my life and he is creepy and gross and frankly my Stapler is smarter than he is.
So by day 4 I gave up -- he's grossed me out and pissed me off. I was instructed by boss Natasha to get over and start setting my desk up and looking at Canada accounts. Plus, she knows that Stanley is a lost cause and it's not doing any good for me to sit there with him -- plus she loves to see people get thrown in the fire.
I'm all done -- I'm moved over -- and my poor buddy Swessi has to put up with Stanley asking her simple things like how to print an invoice or how to send a fax. This guy is clueless-- and still thinks he knows it all.
#2 The second faker -- is more annoying since -- we'll She's got it all -- she has a story for everything --- her life is perfect and she'll tell you- cause she's new and wants to be popular.
The ideal new person -- keeps to themself for the first couple of weeks -- listens to the people on break and lunch -- interjects when appropriate -- the ideal new person does not dominate the conversation.
Sheila is almost 40 -- she's showing cleavage as if she were in highschool and she's ruining my breaks with the girls. She's trying to hard. She has a story about everything -- she knows everything too -- only this time it's work related and personal life related. I first met Sheila the day I came back to work from losing my father. She approached me -- her and her wrinkly cleavage - introduced herself -- and then told me she was sorry- I said thanks -- as I was still pretty cloudy and not very talkative. She then proceeded to tell me that she know's how it feels -- cause she lost her mother in-law awhile back --( I'm sorry -- doesn't count. You can't know the loss of a parent -- until you lose your own -- I've lost enough people in my life to have an appropriate spectrum of grief and - sorry parent trumps- mother-in law by a long shot -- the only thing that can possibly trump parent would be the loss of a child ) My friend Sara looks at me and she knows I just want to b- slap her. So we walk away a little bit and talk and let new girl talk to our friend Jacque. I let it go -- no one can know - and I move on -- people say stupid shit -- and honestly it doesn't even matter. Life to short to get hung up on people who can't be sensitive.
BUT SHEILA is always saying stupid shit. Sara was talking about her cruise -- and Sheila went a better cruise and had more fun. Or Jacque was talking about the season tickets she just bought with her boyfriend for the Minnesota Wild -- and Sheila got her daughter a hockey jersey for Christmas last year, someone had a tasty chicken sandwhich for lunch and Sheila can make a chicken from scratch -- she probably plants peeps in a pot and waits for them to sprout... ok that was random -- but the point is she's done it all-- she has a story for every topic and she tries to give the impression that she's rich -- I'm sorry -- if you are temping, you're not rich -- I being the jewelry analyst glance at her wedding ring --- I don't think I've seen a diamond that small -- seriously -- it's a pencil point. and it's ugly -- I have earings with more sparkle -- hell I probably have stick on manicure rhinestones with more sparkle.. it's sad. She's on vacation this week -- thank goodness --
So those are the two types of fakers -- similar yet differnt -- yet both highly annoying.
My tip is to be yourself -- be nice to everyone but be yourself and then and only then can you get along with everyone in the office -- oh and it helps if you have close relationship with the postage machine when no one else can fix it. sigh.
So My mom and I are working on a project -- we are making recipe books -- of our all time favorites. But in the meantime we are willing to test new recipes.
I found these cute books at hallmark -- and so we are starting to put them together -- one recipe a night -- a lame hobby, but if you don't know - I love food. chomp chomp. and it's a good bonding project for me and my mom.
Anyways if you have a tasty recipe I have to try send it to me! Appetizers, cookies, soups whatever.
So I'm solo for the 4th ... I might go to the casino on Saturday with Kenz and Si and Deann and Doug -- I'm not a big gambler -- I buy a couple powerballs a month -- like 3 maybe, but it has been quite some time since I've gone to a casino so it should be fun -- good old fashioned 5th wheel fun.
I might see if my friend Mike wants to play cribbage but that only eats up a couple hours of time -- and I lost the last time we played. So I will probably be uber competitive or an extra big poor sport.
Everyone else is getting out of dodge and I'm jealous- but with no where to go -- I know I"ll buy new tires -- that's a good satruday morning project.
Hmmm whatelse can I do with myself this weekend... maybe I'll blog something super inspiriational --- or maybe not, maybe I'll just blog. Maybe I'll go to the gym... nah that's not fun and I can't find my cute lime green gym shorts... Where are they? I've looked everywhere.
If it was colder out i'd crochet. But yarn in the summer is not fun.
I see my lameness quotient is growing with each sentence .. . yay me.
Dave is going to be in Iowa for some manly car show and I want to go see fireworks... pouty lip.
I'll probbaly sit at home -- in my pjs all weekend. Maybe I'll go buy new pjs to commermerate the event. Then again, highly unlikely -- most likely I'll float around -- be bored -- read, try to write -- play on stupid facebook and organize my lil green patch for the millionth time.
So Dave and I were invited to a bbq this weekend -- and we went. My friend Heather just had twins this fall and I haven't been out to see them. And my other friend Josie and her husband have 3 children. So it was a bring your meat and something to share type poot luck bbq extravaganza. We were fashionably late -- which was fine. We chatted and visited out on the deck -- at dinner. I held babies -- it was fun. After a couple hours though - of holding babies and playing with toddlers and a 7 year old ... it was time - time to go. Dave and I had a movie to catch.
On the way to the movie we discussed babies -- and we are both a o k with not being parents at the present time. Then we discussed the possibility of a pet. I suggested a cat -- cause I love kitties! But that was quickly veto'd as Dave has allergies and a dislike of cats. So ok a dog -- but a cute one. I like jack russel terriers and Enzo dogs -- not sure exactly what an Enzo dog is... but it's a dog like the one we dog sit. He's like a lab -- and some "duck fetching" brand -- but technically he's a mut -- but I love him -- and I'm not a huge dog person. I also like german shepperds and springer spaniels -- they were my childhood dogs -- and he is alergic -- so we are talking about dogs with less shedding -- and he likes bulldogs... thinks they are adorable. I think they drool to much -- but maybe he likes that? Maybe I should drool on his pillow more... oh wait I already do that.
I found this on my friend Sadie's blog -- I thought it was cute and adorable so voila--
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all! of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
So it was time to update the undies drawer -- cause I'm being honest - most of my other ones didn't fit -- or were creepie crawly underwear that wouldn't stay put -- or had too many run in's with aunt flo. Anyways -- it was time, and now that I am passed the point in my life -- where I need fancy undies -- I have resorted to buying -- packaged underwear, yes that's right -- bag o panties from hanes or fruit of the loom -- i prefer hanes -- but yeah -- my lameness is growing by the minute.
Granted I still wear -- my pretties that fit for when I'm spending the night with dave -- but half the time he doesn't even notice that they are -- lacy or crotchless or adorable -- they just get tossed on the floor in his ability to get undress me in 2 seconds flat -- (he might have been a magician in his past life) And when I leave for work in the morning -- I'm wearing something cotton -- usually black or some solid color -- or white if I'm wearing see through pants -- but yes, they are 1 cut away from being the granny panty and I'm ok with that. Sick- sad and true since I once was such an underwear junkie.
I've cut way back on my fast food outings -- for lunch I ususaly have some crackers and or a sandwhich -- and if I'm going out for lunch or dinner -- it's usually something sorta kinda healthy -- and not dripping in fast food grease. I hadn't had french fries in awhile -- and anyways -- I had a hankoring for the usuall -- a number 1 with an extra sandwhich -- this time the sandwhich ala extra -- was a cheesburger.
I ate my big mac first -- savoring the deliciousness of the experience. Holding off on the french fries -- because let's face it the big mac is the most important part of the mcdonalds goodness equation. Then I started the cheeseburger -- and ate some fries --- drank my diet coke. viola -- all gone.
An hour after though -- I have stomach pains -- without getting to graphic--- you know me this is hard not to be graphic- - but I have the worst gas pains I've ever had ---and I feel my insides being coated with the now unfamilliar grease. PFft. some minor flatulence. still painfull -- now heart burn is setting in-- uggg. I'm in a state of uncomfortableness --- I just want to lay down and sleep it off -- but I was at work -- and training someone in to boot... -- it wasn't until 8 pm that I finally felt some relief, so -- that might be my last McDonald's trip for awhile --- I might test the waters in a couple months, but even now with almost a week since -- I am not thinking fond thoughts of my Big Mac indulgence.
Malvina Reynolds - Little Boxes
Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of tickytacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.
And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.
And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.
And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.
I love it so much that we have to watch intro for every episode -- and my favorite part it the ticky tacky and so I sing along during that part -- and Dave gives me this weird look -- but it's soo odd but makes me giggle.
SO the other day Dave sent me a text -- "TICKY TACKY" cause the last time we were watching it -- i was practically choking when my back up signing part was due -- and I sort of barked out the TICKY TACKY and it sounded so hoarse and horrible -- not that my singing voice is all that pretty to begin with -- but this version of "ticky tacky" was way worse than any version of my singing voice -- including if you will my rendition of Shakira's - Underneath your clothes.
Let me back up a little bit -- we were good friends during my bible thumping years -- so circa 1996. Some of the girls I was friends with then -- wanted the first kiss of their lives to be on their wedding day -- and by 1996 -- I was way past the kissing stage - without being a full fledged "whore in the eyes of the lord" But you know -- I'd been kissed -- and in places that would freighten fish. So I never understood this -- chastity bit -- well this extreme version but alas accepted it as one of their foolish girlhood ideals -- and would gush about kissing boys and make them covet my life experiences at the teenage hormone stage -- while they held onto their bibles in the self righteous way that uber catholics do. I eventually let go of the bible -- put on a shelf as an excellent story book.
I've somehow side stepped... sorry (randomness is part of my stylistic preference.) So we'll call this friend Agatha --a good virginal name don't you think? Anyways Agatha -- is 26, lives in the metro area -- and has never kissed a guy. She's smart and funny - and normal looking - she is no longer waiting for marriage for her first kiss - but now she is being so selective about it -- it's a little ridiculous. I mean -- she's never had a relationship - experienced kissing - let along physical intimacy -- or just pure sexual gratification. What about the saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs?
I think in this delay she has missed out on a big part of life -- I pity her -- and yet -- she claims that God will choose for her the time it right to kiss a guy. And that God's love is more important than a fleeting moment kissing someone. Barf. I'm sorry- get on with it already. You can't understand love until you have a couple of heartaches - a couple of bad kissers sticking their tongues up your nose or being over active in the salvia department- or acheive at minimum an orgasm. Purity taken to this level is just bullshit on top of bullshit - on top of the sacred cowshit.
I don't know what's worse -- that she is living like this -- all naive - or that she is praised for it by others - I can understand people with religous convictions that withold from sex -- but kissing -- gimme a break.
So -- I've been pretty bad about getting rid of clutter in my bedroom -- it's building up actually.
The plan is to attack it this weekend -- but as you can see -- I'd rather write about it now, than actally do it...
I just haven't been in the mood -- I know shocking, I'll clean anyone elses mess but my own. I have 4 heaping laundry baskets and a couple random piles -- it's all clean, some is even folded -- I just want it to magically find it's way on to hangers and into drawers... but Tinkerbell or Mary Poppins is not coming to my rescue and so it sits -- and grows. Plus --- another part is that a lot of it doesn't fit -- it might be as little as 5 pounds from fitting -- or as much as 20 pounds from fitting -- and I'm sure there is a few pairs of pants that will never go past my knee caps again...
I can't part with it since I like it - and I'm hopefully that Mary Poppins or Tinkerbell will not only help me with my laundry but auto-transplant me to the gym and make me work out and stop me from buying tasty sweet or carbo-liscious treats.
I couldn't find the sheets I wanted to put on my bed so I had fleece sheets on... but then after a couple nights -- I realized hey It's spring now -- fleece sheets are not the proper bedding attire -- Miss Emily Post would be so pissed at me. So now -- I am equally taboo and have miss matched sheets... I think the other halves are buried somewhere under my laundry -- but alas I am not motivated to look that hard.
The garbage -- is also building up -- the floor has now become a drawer if you will -- empty tic tac boxes -- clothing tags from when I stocked up on polos for work -- hangers that landed on the floor and some how I didn't have the energy to pick them up at the time. Empty pregnancy test boxes from a couple monthes ago when I was in freak out mode just finally made it to the trash... my home made card crap -- who has time to make homemade cards? Well I do, if I wasn't so unmotivated to pick them up from the floor. Water color paper and paints and paintbrushes -- books I've finished reading take up a corner on the floor -- why I couldn't put them in the bookcase is they are leaning up against is beyond me, could be that my junk mail is taking over the bookcase -- I don't know why I save random solicitations... ads etc I probably meant to make a little pile of credit card offers and then shred them -- but I forgot... Laziness -- apathy to clutter? I'll just do it later -- it's my new motto -- diet coke cans get discgard weekly -- otherwise my room would be silver and reflective... not good.
I should also clean out the car- more diet coke cans there --- random directions floating around the seats - glove box and trunk -- with reciepts and empty packs of gum, cds that got tucked somewhere or are floating under seats with my snowbrush -- I think the snow brush can go in the trunk -- with the 20 pairs of shoes-- most of which are ones that hurt my feet or require a pedicure.
That's another thing -- I should go get a pedicure and manicure -- again too much work. I also need an eyebrow wax and to shave my legs --
So that's the goal this weekend -- to clean and get organized - get pretty-- but it might be a better idea to take a nap -- read a book -- watch grass grow -- anything but just get to it.
Well -- Date night with Dave has always been fun! But lately we're more about the quality of time together. Cooking together and watching tv -- then the end result is usually me squealing from being tickled.
The other night we tried this recipe Dave found in the paper -- the original recipe was from Gordon Ramsay's collection - It was supposed to be sticky chicken... and well it was good - but a little too done. Next time we will have to watch the heat settings.
I'm going a little domestic -- last night I made a simple dinner - tomato soup and grilled cheese - but Dave's likes bacon on his sandwhich -- I think I burnt the bacon -- opps and then the house filled up with smoke.. double oops. Then after dinner - I did the dishes and this morning I made his lunch. How prescious. Is it wrong that I get all giddy cleaning up and making lunches? Maybe a little bit. Yep, but it makes ridiculously happy.
We are tentatively planning to go to the Star Wars exhibit at the science museum -- no, we are not that nerdy -- but we do love the science museum. Ok, maybe we are nerdy - well I am anyways.
Ok - maybe I'll more entertaining stories later.
