hula hoops and hampster wheels

Everyone has met them -- they are the fakers in the office. There are usually two varieties, both equally annoying.

#1: The know-it all new guy:
Just before I moved into my new job -- I had to train someone into my old job -- so I thought I'd be blessed and have someone that was already at the office and I would just show them how things go Texas style. The paperwork in Texas was more demanding than in any other state/region so it would require spending sometime with someone to make sure they understood, preliens, liens, bonds and ugg waivers. I'll stop with the boringness now. But I didn't get a transplant... no ... I got a complete newbie. We'll call him Stanley.

Stanley is creepy. He's mid-fifties. He's had every job imaginable -- but the most fitting way to describe him as 1980's car salesman. He's got his office approved polo shirt and his fluffy chest hair popping out. But before it can pop out completly it first must entertwine with his gold chain. Gross. He's worked on a similar system to our beloved software from circa 1994 the one and only AS400. I begin training -- with simple obseveration method. I have on my headset -- and connected to my headset -- is the training headset. Stanley likes to chit chat -- I'm not here to sit and talk about bs, I'm here to show dippity doo how to do the job. I suggest that he take notes. "Nah, I'll get it when I get to sit down and do it, I've worked on this system before -- I know everything there is to know since the begining of time becuase I'm an arogant piece of poo Stanley" -- I respond ok -- and continue going through the 14 million screens and how to get to each one -- and what to look for and what's important. I suggest -- do you think it might help to write any of this down? "Nope, I've got it." Ok -- I'm half expecting him to point to his head.
Training continues. He's still not taking any notes -- no reminders. Then we start making calls.

"Good afternoon PBJ this is Punky how can I help you" the call takes place -- ends and then Stanley pipes in "I don't think you need to say all that --" Excuse me? "Your intro is a bit long you don't need to say all that." "Listen, Stanley -- we are customer service orientated -- this means internal and external -- and although you can take certain liberties with your intro -- just saying : "Stanley speaking" is rude and unproffesional -- If you have any questions about the greeting you should talk to Hank, he's the supervisor you can ask him. Stanley nods. Then pipes in again "You should really give out the toll-free number instead of your direct line" ------ "No, Stanley, we don't give the toll free number out unless it is requested. This is your phone number -- this if your fax -- these are the numbers we use. "But more people would call you back if they had a toll free number" It's a great idea but the switchboard would kill you since all the toll free calls go directly to them --- this is your number -- this is your fax. "I'm going to use the toll free number instead of this one. " Fine, but you're not supposed to -- you should talk to Hank. "Why don't we get you a legal pad to take some notes Stanley?" Nah, I don't need to take notes. Ok.
Day 2:
Now Stanley is stubborn, arrogant and his posture is less than to be desired. He's sitting back in his chair sprawled out acting like he's kind of the cube -- we are connected by a training headset -- and his hand is resting on my arm rest. I'm scooting my chair away. He's now in the computer spot and all of a sudden he wants to know how to get from one screen to the next and what all the F keys do. I get up -- let him try and figure things out -- go to the storage room and get him a damn legal pad and give it to him. "You need to take notes -- the system has hints at the bottom of the screen but not all the funtions are listed --- you need to write this down." He is getting his login information -- does he write down all 5 passwords that have to be different from eachother - and what they go to .... noooooooooooooo He'll remember. 5 minutes later he already forgot one of his passwords. GRRR.

Ps. Stanley has a motorcycle and has asked me to go for a ride. "No Stanley -- I'm not going for a ride -- I hate loud noises and I hate your guts." OK so I don't say the last part -- but he's wasting a week of my life and he is creepy and gross and frankly my Stapler is smarter than he is.
So by day 4 I gave up -- he's grossed me out and pissed me off. I was instructed by boss Natasha to get over and start setting my desk up and looking at Canada accounts. Plus, she knows that Stanley is a lost cause and it's not doing any good for me to sit there with him -- plus she loves to see people get thrown in the fire.

I'm all done -- I'm moved over -- and my poor buddy Swessi has to put up with Stanley asking her simple things like how to print an invoice or how to send a fax. This guy is clueless-- and still thinks he knows it all.


#2 The second faker -- is more annoying since -- we'll She's got it all -- she has a story for everything --- her life is perfect and she'll tell you- cause she's new and wants to be popular.

The ideal new person -- keeps to themself for the first couple of weeks -- listens to the people on break and lunch -- interjects when appropriate -- the ideal new person does not dominate the conversation.

Sheila is almost 40 -- she's showing cleavage as if she were in highschool and she's ruining my breaks with the girls. She's trying to hard. She has a story about everything -- she knows everything too -- only this time it's work related and personal life related. I first met Sheila the day I came back to work from losing my father. She approached me -- her and her wrinkly cleavage - introduced herself -- and then told me she was sorry- I said thanks -- as I was still pretty cloudy and not very talkative. She then proceeded to tell me that she know's how it feels -- cause she lost her mother in-law awhile back --( I'm sorry -- doesn't count. You can't know the loss of a parent -- until you lose your own -- I've lost enough people in my life to have an appropriate spectrum of grief and - sorry parent trumps- mother-in law by a long shot -- the only thing that can possibly trump parent would be the loss of a child ) My friend Sara looks at me and she knows I just want to b- slap her. So we walk away a little bit and talk and let new girl talk to our friend Jacque. I let it go -- no one can know - and I move on -- people say stupid shit -- and honestly it doesn't even matter. Life to short to get hung up on people who can't be sensitive.

BUT SHEILA is always saying stupid shit. Sara was talking about her cruise -- and Sheila went a better cruise and had more fun. Or Jacque was talking about the season tickets she just bought with her boyfriend for the Minnesota Wild -- and Sheila got her daughter a hockey jersey for Christmas last year, someone had a tasty chicken sandwhich for lunch and Sheila can make a chicken from scratch -- she probably plants peeps in a pot and waits for them to sprout... ok that was random -- but the point is she's done it all-- she has a story for every topic and she tries to give the impression that she's rich -- I'm sorry -- if you are temping, you're not rich -- I being the jewelry analyst glance at her wedding ring --- I don't think I've seen a diamond that small -- seriously -- it's a pencil point. and it's ugly -- I have earings with more sparkle -- hell I probably have stick on manicure rhinestones with more sparkle.. it's sad. She's on vacation this week -- thank goodness --

So those are the two types of fakers -- similar yet differnt -- yet both highly annoying.

My tip is to be yourself -- be nice to everyone but be yourself and then and only then can you get along with everyone in the office -- oh and it helps if you have close relationship with the postage machine when no one else can fix it. sigh.