hula hoops and hampster wheels

I love JCP for the fact they have catalogs -- sometimes -- I'm feeling extra retro and don't like to order things online -- I'd rather flip through the catalog -- and then decided to check online to see if it's on sale. I have a pention for doing the roundabout way of doing things.

Well I found this blog by a gentleman JV -- he's hysterical - anyways -- you must click below:

http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2007/10/strap-in-shut-up-and-hold-on-were-going.html

I didn't find any of those items online -- gosh darnit, it'd be great if they had made a catalog like this for halloween-- I'm sure some of those items are stashed away in a warehouse. Imagine if you will the Smithsonian of JCP. I'm sure it would be a great Halloween outfitter -way more comfortable than the little red riding outfit i've been wearing for the past 2 years -- and this year -- it was so tight that it cut the circulation off --

It was a cold October evening -- I was dressed in my little red riding ho outfit looking very cute and whorish. It was halloween season - it's allowed! (it wasn't halloween proper - but the weekend before) I had on red tights and then fishnets over them & because I'm modest and a good girl a heart and then I had black spanks on over the fishnet/red tight combo. Well, I'm convinced that I was one more control top layer away from losing the capacity to walk. Yes, at this point I am completely sober.

I was getting ready to leave, felt a little dizzy, hadn't been drinking for hours -- just apple juice -- so I get out to my car. The house is off of 81 -- so a fairly busy road, but it's on a service road so it's away from the cars. A couple is outside drinking. I feel ill.
That's it -- I've got to pee -- I go back in - pee and leave.

I get out to my car still not feeling just right... I decided to take off my spanks, fishnets and tights, I luckly was able to peal them off in one fell swoop and a little "got getta the nylons off dance." I've got some hot pink hanes her ways on, and it's dark. More people come outside, I'm still in my little dress, still feel like crap -- maybe I'm alergic to apple juice, nah.

Well, I can't very well drive home in my underwear and bra -- it is October -- I'll be cold, even if I'm having hot flashes right now! There are people over there --- drunk, and although I'll never see them again -- except the ones I work with... I can't very well get undressed right here? Or can I? ...What do I have in my trunk? At this point I'm now dizzy and sweating and starting hear bells -- it must be this corset contraption on my little red riding hood outfit. I pop open my trunk to see a wonderful thing -- a pair of butt ugly teal fleece pajama pants I was giving my sister for christmas -- we have this ugly pajama thing we do at Christmas. Anyways -- The trunk is open, I'm hiding behind it and I can't see anyone -- Oh did I forget to tell you that a large marjority of Wowseo's police force is attending this party as they are my friend's friend's brother's friends? So here I am -- In a driveway -- off of a busy road -- getting dizzy -- putting on teal fleece pajama pants under my riding hood outfit -- Still not helping with the corsetesque bodice now making me lightheaded ... and sweating through my deoderant... I need a shirt -- I found one -- it's none other than my hair cut shirt. It's a gray tee shirt -- with a girl sitting on a stool cutting her dolls hair - the shirt must have been a factory reject becaue it's got some stitching on the collar bone -- and near the belly button region and it's came like that -- where did I find such a treasure? Oh Walgreens of course. It's a little girls shirt -- and is a little too small but it's got to be better than this dress.

I swiftly try to remove my dress but it's a little stuck... sucking in -- pulling the zipper down -- Ah! Freedom! Oh crap -- I didn't wear a bra with my dress--- oopps. I totally forgot about that -- ok shirt on quick. Shirt is on -- sort of -- but it must have been awhile since I've worn this shirt since I can't really move my arms in it. What else do I have -- I'm now completly sweat infected from hair and toes -- maybe my blood sugar dropped, who really knows? Voila --
amongst the 20 pairs of shoes, extra pillow and blanket, 2 winter coats, cd cases, books, bag of yarn - windex, lint roller, boggle, and of course a camping chair that's been there since July - I find it -- its a plain white shirt that has a mystery spill on the front of it -- I'll take it - it's large enough to move my arms and sit comfortably for the 20 minute drive home - I do the gym school trick remove the hair cut shirt and finally get in the car to go -- but I'm still feeling a little icky so I drink a sprite that I had in my car waiting for me -- knowing that I aways get thirsty when driving. Sprite opened -- I"m on my way. But now I can smell the shirt I am wearing -- God only knows how long it's been in my trunk -- it's truly grossing me out. But I think happy smells and finally arrive home to put on real pajamas -- a comfy thermal shirt and realax as I suffer the result of too much apple juice, by running to the bathroom.

Lesson learned: Don't wear clothes that don't fit, always keep a back up pair of pants shirt in your trunk, don't drink apple juice in large quantities if you know it gives you the trots, I should of had a slim fast - then I probably could have avoided this all together.