Since all of my married friends are married - and my unmarried friends are single, I don't see being a maid of honor in the next year. SOooo I'm going to proposition (tee hee) that we have a party for cinco de mayo just so we can have this amusement:
The Penis Pinata: 
Sooo I love birthdays. I love making a big fuss and getting the perfect gift. Or so I thought.
This year for Dave's birthday -- I was at a loss - I had no idea what to get him.
I googled best boyfriend birthday gifts. I had a couple lame ideas...
1. cologne -- but he already smells so good - ps I love his deodorant more than his cologne. But never the less -- don't fix it if it ain't broke.
2. kitchen crap. i.e. a colander, new toaster, glasses to replace his plastic cups. lameness factor - 10. useful for when I'm cooking dinner and need to strain something 1. ok it's on the veto list.
3. a puppy. cute idea - but it'd be better if he picked the puppy out and gave it to me and then made me move in with him to take care of said creature. preferably small and well behaved along with adorable -- cats are preffered in my book but I've warmed up nicely in our discussions of having a dog in the Wonderland Future that we discuss from time to time.
4. I can paint him a cool picture of a classic car. Who am I kidding I can't paint real things -- I can paint abstract color blobs. And no offense to me - but I wouldn't want one of the only things hanging on his wall to be a crappy ass picture I pretended to paint. Plus - I might have fun doing this - but in the end result would not even be worthy of Country Kitchen art, no refrigerator -- unless it was some mini fridge under the bar - where no can see it refrigerator.
5. crochet him a sweater. again, not going happen - too much time, bad execution of yarn projects that aren't just big rectangles. Plus he's never even used the scarf I made him -- but he has it still - we do use the afghan I made him - it doesn't match his couch but he went out and got a new couch - and I'm sure his thoughts weren't what will match my afghan...
6. bake him peanut butter heart shaped cookies. he loves my peanut butter cookies. but I have not been motivated to bake. alas veto list again.
7. movies. although nice-- also pretty lame.
8. books. although nice-- also pretty lame.
Ahhh! So what in the world do I get the fantastic boyfriend for his 34th birthday?
9. 34 powerballs? nope lame
10. nothing.
But this is the most fabulous result from google:
MANGROOMER Do-It-Yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver
SO what did I get him? Nothing. Well, I made him dinner: Alaskan King Crab and New York Strip Steak, Baked potato, texas toast and then I let him have full reign over the tv.
SO What did we watch. Well, Friday night, we watched a good 35 minutes of Amatures. It's about a bunch of townies making an amature porn. Dave gave up on this attempt of a man-comedy on his own, but I was happy he turned it off. Then on Saturday, we watched a couple episodes of Sunny in Philadelphia and House and the cheesy movie What happens in Vegas. It was a good lazy weekend mostly spent in front of the tv.
For Dave's birthday we went out for breakfast to eat and read the paper. How adorable right? So we sat and read the paper - ate our breakfast, I shared my bacon with him as he didn't have any and I had 5 pieces. Now, I love bacon- but 5 pieces in addition to hasbrowns, eggs and toast is a bit much. So we read the paper and chit chatted over breakfast. I didn't get to do my puzzle but that's ok -
I'm going to pick up a suduko book today or tomorrow so we can do puzzles together. How sick is that?
We lounged around most of the afternoon on Saturday. He took me out for dinner for being so fantastic and not making a huge deal out of his birthday, okay maybe that wasn't the reason - but anyways we went out for dinner and had a Saturday night date. Then I went home cause he had to work overnight last night.
In the Vegas movie, there was bit about putting the toilet seat down, I let him gently know that we can talk about this later since it's his birthday but I think he got the hint, he needs to work on putting it down.
I did sing to him on several occaisons my annoying birthday song. He plugged his ears as expected since my singing voice - well it's not pretty.
Ok so I've seen some pretty bad movies in my day - Requium for a dream, Fight Club, Resevoir Dogs, but the underlying theme in the aforementioned movies has a certain man factor quotient, I can't really think of a bad chick flick - or drama.
However, yesterday while waiting for Drunkaroo to call I watched: Not My Life
with my mom -- it was the saturday afternoon B movie of the day.
I was horrible -- and yet we watched the whole thing. THe acting was bad, the plot was mediocre at best - the star was Andie from dawson's creek - don't really know her real name -
It was horrible and horrific and super dee dooper bad B-c- or D movie - and yet we were engrossed to see how bad it could get.
So if it's ever on -- don't let it suck you in - becuase the end result will be - That suck and I want those 2 hours of my life back.
For more details about this piece of crap movie - in order to avoid watching it:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0827179/
I liketo give advice -- sometimes when unwarrented or not needed - but I usualy save my so-called sage advice for my friends. Never to strangers - unless it's more of a helpful hint -- like ps. you have tp on your shoe or you have a bug on you.
I was in subway -- getting lunch - 2 sandwhiches.
I normally get the turkey - but today is not a turkey kind of day - today was a blt kind of day - and the subway by my work always skimps on the bacon. I love bacon but in moderation - so once in awhile I'll indulge.
I got Dave's sandwhich and then ordered my sandwhich - a blt - extra bacon. When I ordered my sandwhich I was the last in line -- not looking very fabulous as I was wearing clothes from friday -- my hair was still we from my shower -- I ended up somehow getting an exfoliating bead from my cleanser in my eye and so my left eye was pink and puffy and causing rapid blinking.
So they guy scoops up a large wad of bacon for heating -- and now I'm aware of the person behind me in line.
"Wow - that's a lot of bacon" weird dude exclaims
"yep. it's more than I imagined" i reply
"What is it for?" weird dude inquires - as the bacon is removed from the microwave aka bacon zapper
The bacon is then placed on my bread and before they can ask me what I want on it -
weird dude inquires : "What elese are you going to get on it?"
"Well it's a blt - so lettuce and tomato"
"Well someone needs to get a gym membership after that sandwhich"
No response - I mean seriously what do you say to that- I'm not grossly obese - I'm now classifing myself as curvy as I've put on some weight this year. I'm not in denial, I've accepted my new soft parts and moved on.
Weird dude is obvious to his devisating commentary as he has his nasty tuna fish white conglomerated goop on his perfectly good bread - totally ruining it with the tuna fish infestation. I hope he gets an overdose of Omeaga 3 fatty goodness and develops a rash similar to that which my cat gets when ever he has fish.
I rattle of my ingrediant requests for Dave's sandwhich and mine -
Weird guy has nothing more to say.
I pay and fill my diet coke and leave.
Weird guy leaves before me - as I had some issues trying to put the lid on my cup without crying.
Weird dude heads to the chiropractic office next door.
I head back home to dave's, crying the whole way home.
