So I've taken some time to go over in my head what I want/need/deserve for the next relationship I have.
I guess the biggest thing I will need someone who makes an effort. I'm not talking about someone doting on me or hanging on every word - cause you know what kinda random crap comes out of my mouth.
But, the one big thing that was missing from the relationship with Dave was that he did not put in the effort I put in to being a couple or being romantic or knowing me as a person and sharing with me.
I'm not talking grand gestures - I'm talking about once in awhile having a weekend just the two of us. Without making plans in the middle to work on some project or something else or go golfing, get drunk and then forget to call and say oopps I ended up downtown wasted, and I'll have to reschedule our much anticipated Saturday night date night.
Maybe complimenting me, instead of making fun of me. He only told me I was beautiful one time. ONE time over a year and he was drunk. What was I thinking. I never heard a you look nice if I dressed up or tried to be cute. In fact I don't remember one single compliment.
Yes, he was good at comforting me when I needed him most but as far as trying to understand me or talk about things that I'm going through - most recently I wanted to have the "what's your take on the afterlife" conversation cause I'm in greif and I'm conflicted at the moment at what I believe in if anything. He couldn't even offer anything besides a shrug and an I don't know.
I never got to meet his friends or family. Granted he only met my friends at my dad's funeral and on one bbq adventure at Heather's but he was invited to come meet my friends and family on several occaisons. But was always busy. Maybe he was hiding me, maybe I'm not as pretty/successful/charming/dainty as the last one he brought home, maybe he's ashamed of me for a plethora of unknown reasons. Maybe having a secret girlfriend in your 30's is way more fun than in the 7th grade. Who knows.
I'm hurting right now and I'm in the anger phase of this breakup - and I'm feeling dumb and stupid for letting myself love someone who obviously didn't want to, and or couldn't love me.
As Dave are on a break and I was hopeful yesterday, today - I've started the Welcome Back to Singledom Orientation. If in the end things work out with Dave, fantastic- but if whatever it is, is beyond repair or an attempt on his part - then I'm not so shell shocked.
I've colored my hair. Thought about getting a gym membership -that I would actually use. Considered drinking excessivly while eating excessively but then that would only mean more work outs at the gym. Now I'm getting ready for retail therapy - but I don't really need anything, or want anything in particular.
I would go get my nails done and be ultra girl-a-rific but I was unconsiously biting them and now my cuticles are all bloody and disgusting. Don't want to hurt them anymore - but I'm leaving them alone in hope to be able to go next week and have a full set of short but pretty french manicured arcylics. This will be a pain in the ass when I decide that I'd rather just have my natural nail and have to go through that paper thin nail crap - but alas I want to feel a little pretty so it's the plan.
Today I'm going with the very cliched boomarang philosophy - let love free and eventually, just maybe it will come back to me.
So yeah, back to singledom.
SO I called him - I know,I broke rule #1 of breaking up. But I love him too much just to walk away- I needed him to know I think that it's worth it to work on us and well, Becuase I'm sorry, but he doesn't get to leave me hanging while he goes on a two week hiatus from our relationship for answers to basic questions.
jist of the conversation...
He cares about me and loves me - but something in his own world isn't right and he doesn't know where he is with everything, including me. Not a real defintitive answer to anything was given, but I can now honestly believe that it's not me and stop beating myself up about gaining weight and being moody and not being the prettiest or not being the trophy girlfriend, we all know I'm not graceful enough for that label.
So a little space is needed - I guess I can use this time for me - to start painting again or crochet something. Maybe work on the novel.
If it doesn't work out between us, it's not going to be because I didn't try or care enough. It'll be what it's going to be and right now it's in limbo and I'm sad and scared and hopeful.
So if anyone wants to play me in scramble I'm game!
I've even taken a vacation day tomorrow to sleep in (shocker) and get some crap in Kristen world straightened out.
So I was completely blindsighted last night when Dave had me over to talk.
He didn't really have a reason and couldn't tell me what went wrong other than it's him and not me. That he thinks I'm great and wonderful and that he loves me - but his heart isn't all in it. Then as the evening progressed, he wants to take a break and then talk again in a 2 weeks.
Maybe to see if I'm the root of his unhappiness. Maybe to weigh out bachelorhood vs. commited relationship, Who knows?
WTF.
Where did this come from, I don't know.
I'm sad and hurt and confused because I love him.
My whole take on it is - he either loves me and is scared about the intensity of love or he just doesn't or can't love me.
