hula hoops and hampster wheels

I'm thinking this will be a regular reoccuring post topic. Amazon does it - netflix does it - and now I will do it- I will give you suggestions based on your likes and dislikes. I will use amazon as my guide but filter out all the crap and try to offer selections that I have encountered and or read in conjunction with new to me titles.

We will start to day with if you like David Sedaris you will like the following:

Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress by Susan Jane Gilman (current bathroom read, super funny)

if you liked Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress you'd like:

I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl by Laurie Notaro

(also hillarious in the narrative/essay genre ) if you like I Love Everybody and other Atrocious Lies you'd like:

Why I'm Like This: True Stories (P.S.) by Cynthia Kaplan, as you can see todays theme is essay and funny/entertaining slightly autobiographical rantings. I love it when books read like blogs.

if you like Why I'm Like this you'd like:

Leave the Building Quickly: True Stories (P.S.) by Cynthia Kaplan this is the sequil to the aforementioned Cynthia Kaplan - I want this chick to come out with a new book.

and amazon says if you like Cynthia Kaplan you'd like:
I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley ( it's on my to read stack but clint is currently holding the book hostage which is ok since I have a couple other books in the works at the moment.)

if you like I was told there'd be cake or Cynthia Kaplan you'd like


Running with Scissors: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs , this was funny and gross and funny and disturbing...

if you like that you like this:

Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs this one is also on the to read stack...

but I'm going to take a stab here and say if you like that you'll like this one:

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (Paperback)by Chelsea Handler

or the man version:

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max

and then onward:

I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence by Amy Sedaris


this looks good too:

Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip--Confessions of a Cynical Waiter (Hardcover)by Steve Dublanica Aka The Waiter



and that is this weeks installment of If you like this then you might like this

Soo you want to read a fast paced chick lit book.

Look no further than Sophie Kinsella's Remember Me. It's funny, and delightful and I flipped through it.

The jist without any spoilers:

A 20-something Girl, Lexi Smart has an okay life that ison the verge of going to hell in a handbasket. She get's amnesia and wakes up a totally differnt and changed person.

It's cute and simple and well written.

I highly reconmend it if you are trying to add a book a week to your reading schedule.


Another one to read by her is Undomestic Goddess. Also funny and cute.

I'm a little afraid to start reading her Shopaholic series- I might be forced to pick up something less chick and more lit. But Both of these are excellent fluffy books that make you laugh and sympathize with the charachters.

So if you are looking for a fantastic read --

I strongly reconmend that you pick up anything and everything by Laurie Notaro.

If you want to laugh that is -- I was laughing so hard last night as she described peeing into a fishing net while trying to catch kidney stones -- that I myself almost pee'd my pants.

You really must read her.

I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl by Laurie Notaro (the one I'm reading now)

The Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death: Reflections on Revenge, Germophobia, and Laser Hair Removal by Laurie Notaro


The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life by Laurie Notaro


There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell: A Novel of Sewer Pipes, Pageant Queens, and Big Trouble by Laurie Notaro


We Thought You Would Be Prettier: True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive by Laurie Notaro (hillarious)


An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List by Laurie Notaro



Autobiography of a Fat Bride: True Tales of a Pretend Adulthood by Laurie Notaro

When I go shopping for books -- I wander aimlessly through the fiction section -- picking up books, reading blurbs on the back or inside cover -- judging them -- for the covers, titles, authors name -- trying so desperatly to find a book that will speak to me. So I'll open them up and tryto Aread the first couple of pages --- Or maybe just the first paragraph -- try to get a feel for the writer's tone and voice... blah blah blah -- but then you come to find out that they have given the main charachter has a horrible name -- that is either a. unprounoucable - so I feel like I'm reading Russian or Lativan - or sooo cheesy that it makes my heart ache for the charachter. Yep, I'm a judger.

I like books with the matte finish -- as opposed to the glossy finish. But I'm not opposed to reading these glossy books as I once was. I read more paper back books than hardcover -- and I have recently started approving of the mass paperback format sold in grocery stores and drug stores. I used to roll my eyes at these books -- but now they are fair game. Also they are usually 1/2 the price of snobby full sized books. Bonus if you are on a book budget.

I like to read multiple things at the same time. As of today, I'm reading Salem Falls -- by Jodi Piccoult. Vanishing Acts - also by Jodi (this one is at Dave's house for when we are reading in bed together) I just started Stupid and Contagious --- which has two poorly named charchters -- Heaven and Brady... but we'll see if I can get past that. At work I have a book The amazing adventours of the Hunt Sisters -- for when I'm lame and stay inside for lunch, but lately I've been Jamba Juicing it for lunch. I've started Firefly Lane -- and then put it down when my dad died -- it's written by Kristin Hannah -- and her books always make me cry, so it's on the back burner right now. I have Love in the Time of Cholera on my night stand and I can't seem to get past page 12. Maybe I have some sort of reader's a.d.d.... who knows.

So it looks like I might have to get this book -- looks scandalous!

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Peoples-Love-Letters-Never/dp/0307382648/ref=pd_ts_b_2?ie=UTF8&s=books

and this looks like it would be interesting:

http://www.amazon.com/Book-General-Ignorance-John-Mitchinson/dp/0307394913/ref=pd_sim_b_title_3

Sooo I've been looking for my collection of really bad poetry to see if indeed it is as bad as I remember. Once located -- if ever? I might post some of these delightful excerpts, probably not -- maybe the one about shaving my legs -- I think that one was funny -- but out of my portfolio, whereever it is - one poem about shaving my legs is probably the best thing out of the whole kit n kaboodle.
It's funny, I used to gobble up poetry -- and I had this fantastic time explicating lines of poems- and then breaking them down into meter -- looking for hidden symbolism, influence, historical reference - now, I could really give a crap, 2 craps, etc. -- I have some favorite books that I hold dear on a bookshelf - and some include favorite poets, but lately --- I'm banning the literary. I'm embrassing the grocery store novel, the used mass paperback, the "this is not something trying to hard to be revolutionary but it has a storyline and isn't trying to be edgy or raw or stark or have an underlying reference to the humanity of all especially when you compare and contrast it to the works of Rilke,[insert old dead guy's last name] and Joyce -- no, I want to read a book that has a story- is well written with proper charachter development and I have some what of an emotional attachment to the story - it makes me laugh - yes, out loud or sniffle/cry, or [enter wide array of emotional responses]. And when I'm done I feel like it was worth reading -
I don't want to waste my time with something that I get done reading and I'm all WTF? Maybe, I just like different things now, or that I've read so much of the literary end that I'm bored - unimpressed etc. and I like my cheap paperback fiction now and I like throwing them away or turning them to Goodwill. I still really like finding new authors - like Laurie Graff -- she's pretty unknown and her first book was fantastic, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs". Maybe my whole issue is --- I'm done reading about things that are set in [ pick a different century] -- I may not have and ipod but I'm really quite done with anything pre-modernist movement. Ok well my sudafed has officially kicked in and it's time for bed.

My apologies for any run on sentences and fragmented thought or [grammatical/spelling errors]

Soooo main character Gladys has some details,

She's a nurse at a small town hospital --- think Winona or Princeton or something equally as small. She loves her job, but she's not the best at it, she klutzy and is alway knocking over bed pans, running into wheel chairs and basically any inatimate object found on earth, and she's known as The Bruiser when it comes to drawing blood and inserting IVs. But she's great at listening and caring for people and she's smart when it comes to working in the field -- she just lacks finess.
She a little chubby -- think size 12, which is really not that chubby morelike standard -- but you know everyone thinks in terms of the size 0 -- per societies lame, yet perpetual shove of unrealistic-unhealthy ideal down the throats of the american public at large -- ok off my soap box -- so she's not Barbie, probably Barbie's opposite, she's shorter - 5-4 ish , (in my book that's tall!) brown curly hair that -- (has a frieghtful reaction to humidity) modest bust size, she's not ample, but she's not concave (all though, that could explain her klutziness?) She likes to run and go canoeing on the river, but refuses to do aerobics cause the thought of spandex freightens her. She has blue eyeballs and a cute nose. Her overall appearance is that of everywoman -- not a super model , un-super model, tv star, heck she's not even an anchorwoman -- but then again she wasn't beaten with an ugly stick either.
She lives alone, ok she has a pet --- a pet rabbit, FooFoo who is always escaping, hiding and destroying but she loves him and so she tolerates his quirks. Her home is a quaint house, she had a hypochondriac of a patient leave it to her in her will, the woman had ailments miles long and no family to tell them to so with her frequent visits to the hospital Gladys and Ruby build a friendship as Ruby lives vicareously through Gladys tales of an almost-but not quite 30 something. But as funny as some of Ruby's ailments or suspected ailments are -- she gets ill and passes and she leaves her small stucco home and tacky furnishings to Gladys. And Gladys misses her - so she leaves some of the furnishings including the pink bath room as Gladys left them. She tries to bea good homeowner --- but she has a several disastorous episodes, but with the help of her new friend Louis who happens to work at the local lowes/home depot/ menards/ hardware/ lumber / home improvement extravagza store.
She's dating -- she's had a series of boyfriends - dates and flirations but everything seems to back fire -- until she meets mystery man --and decides to give up on the whole love thing all together. or alternatively -- she falls in loves - puts a picket fence around her tiny home and grows cabbage patch kids... haha ok just kiding. Ok so I don't know how the love life is going to play out exactly....
She's got the best friends -- Fran, Leila, Delaney they plan a trip to go to Seattle for some ridiculous coffee bean enthusiatist hobby she has. They have mini- adventures annually and Gladys' friend Delaney sends a scrapbook to her each year. She has friends from town, friends from the hospital, friends from college and childhood friends that pop in and out of Gladys life -- but on a daily basis she feels a little alone -- since she's not married, not putting up the white fence and not poping out babies -- this is why she enjoys the company of Ruby so much -- because she's old and alone -- and aside from being a little medically confused she's had a great life. But Gladys still likes to live vicarsouly through her friend Sheila and her tormented marriage... Roger and his litany of boy toys, Anna and her swelling baby belly and pastel addiction. And of course several other people and almost cliched situations --- I know this part needs work.

But it's progress so far even if it is all rough and somewhat scattered.

With my new years resolution to read more, I've decided that I'm going to try in purge the book in my head on to paper.

Right now, I'm in this outline process -- and as Gwennie learned this weekend - I'm not so sure about much -

I have this character - I call her GIRL or more recently Gladys per Gwen's suggestion. She is an average girl - brown curly hair, freckles, a little chubby --- she has a sister who she is in constant competition with over dumb things - but at the moment Gladys is just mad that her sister got a much better name.

Gladys has some problems, a goal and several obstacles. I know I'm being uber vague at the moment - just nothing is super official.

Gwennie thinks that Gladys needs to evolve throughout the story and she doesn't need a better job a fantastic boyfriend or a significant weight loss to be happy --- I agree but I'm having issues getting from the begining to the end and I just thought I'd have a little rant.

On the same lines -- I'm thinking of using a pen name -- since well this chick lit stylings is less than my literary background -- any comments?

So I've quit and unquit so many times in the last year -- I finally broke down and filled the Chantix Rx. It seems to be working - smoking is beyond gross and the aftertaste lingers extra long or until I break down and gargle, brush and gargle again - can't wash this taste away with diet coke. I'm also drinking enough water to bathe a small village -- that's helping - but the dreams I'm having are beyond bizzare -- I know you might not believe them but - this is how they are as I've been writing them down in the morning because they are so weird.



Saving Britney Spears:

I was put on a mission to save Britney (I don't even like Britney Spears) but I wasn't allowed to complete my mission - because of my holes. I had holes all over my body -- picture me, Punky, swisscheeseified, and they (I don't have a recollection of THEY but I think they were on a panel) Anyways -- I could only save Britney if my holes were in pristine condition -- They gave me this utensil - similar to that of a salad tongs to clean out the particles trapped in my holes --- I woke up just as I was about to go before the panel after a major cleaning.





The Chumba Wumba Bear: This one - is not as bizzare but let me tell you I'm avoiding CR 64.
I'm in the car -- with a friend - I know this person- but I can't see their face, we are going to Wal-Mart in Elk River, and I'm not the biggest fan of Wal-Mart (read: Nickel and Dimed : On (Not) Getting by in America by Barbara Ehrenreich) Anyways a bear skips out in front of the car -- like it was going to the magical Charmin commercial set and then again skips back carrying a basket as if it robbed red riding hood.

Kiddnapping My friends husband-
I kidnapped someones husband and made him rob the neighbors.
BIZARR.

So it's a little belated but here they are:
Read more. The goal is a book a week, I forgotten how much I love reading. So far the book a week quota has been met!


Finish what I start. Be it an afghan or scarf, a tedious task I don't want to do aka folding laundry. The grow out the hair plan - is also still in place.


Learn something new: I guess this goes with the reading thing - but also trying new things, being a little more adventurous.
*I tried Salt N Pepper chips this weekend


Being a little mushy sometimes. I guess I'm a little apprehensive about being a mushball - or sensitive & emotional, but sometimes I know I need to be the inner goober and that I'm not always tough stuff.



The old standby - the goal is to lose the 20 pounds I gained courtesy of 2007, I'm halfway there - as of today. Granted I've been working on this prior to the new year, so this might also fit into the category -- finish what I start...

Don't put up with bullshit - drama and or other unpleasantries. I can get mad but I'm only allowing myself to stay mad for 12 hours and then I'm going to be over it.

So that's it.

Oh and cut back on the dc..(diet coke)