hula hoops and hampster wheels

I really hate it when I have to call some customer service center's toll free number - get put on hold and told that there are high volume calls and they reconmend I call back during a different time. I've called at various hours -- and they all seem to be high volume time. Grr.

I am a patient and understanding person most of the time. I however do not like it when I sign up online for a service but I can not cancel said service by clicking online - noooooooooo instead I have to talk to some english speaking person from India. Who is going by the name Kim or Tom or Dorothy.

Today I went to cancel my netzero dial up service. This subscription was to be a one month deal and today was the last day of the month - I being a procrastinator of course put this off. I only subscibed to netzero while I waited for my mother's preferred earthlink download disk to come in the mail. I really don't care, dial-up is dial-up - my mom likes earthlink, I like earthlinks format better, but really nothing is wrong with netzero either. I call the number - attempt to cancel the service with Customer Service Representative Kim. Kim is rude and curt from the get go but makes three attempts to convince me to stay with Netzero. I realize this is her job - I politely decline and state I would just like to cancel the service. She places me on hold. I listen to some bad elevator music. She comes back on said that it has been cancelled. I then proceed to request that my card which was prematurely charged be refunded. Kimmy must have had a bad day because she hung up on me.

I call back. Pissed off at Netzero. I go through the whole high volume bullshit - crappy music - and then I talk to Tom. I request a manager to report of course that Kim has hung up on me, get my refund and be done with Netzero. Tom is courteous and sympathetic to Kim's failure. He agrees to process my refund of $9.95 but the refund transaction to my card will take 2 billing cycles to appear on my account. I repeat back to him - "It will take 60 days for the $9.95 to be returned to my account?" Yes. "Is there any way to expidite that?" I can forward it to my superior. Ok. Please do. He gives me the confirmation number. Asks if I still need to speak with his manager about Kimmy. I go on hold for the manager. I get to speak to Dorothy next. Get the refund expidited to 48 hours. Complain about Kim and Praise Tom. But still I'm irritated with Netzero. I really didn't give two lumps about the $9.95 and probably would have just let it slide if Kimmy wasn't so rude, but after she hung up on me I went into the very rare bitch mode that of course is all powerful. So now I have to wait til Monday or Tuesday - check my account to see that the refund has been processed. Blah blah blah. Grr.

So tonight was a date night with Clinton. After our outing, I was driving home feeling like a goober - so I turned on the Lite Fm station. Delilah was ding her radio show. Some woman called in a requested a song that inspires. She gave her testimonial - now a prerequisite for having Delilah play a song for you.
It went something like this:
Caller:
My name is Melissa and I'm a mom of three kids and we want you to play a song for us. We are at a new stage in life and need something that inspires us! We are moving into a new house, my first house, I'm recently divorced, I just bought a new car and I'm also a foster mom. I love being a mom and my life is going really well right now, but I've been listening to your show and I left my husband since my marriage didn't sound as picturesque and happy and blissful as your sappy callers claimed it to be. But one day I hope to find the one. I deserve it. I'm a good person and great mom.

Delilah: Well it sounds like you need to inspire us with all the positive thing going on in your life.

Caller: Well I do get lonely listening to your show without that special someone to love.

Delilah: Well do you believe that there is something bigger than you and me out there - who loves you more than you love your children?

Caller: I'd like to think so. I believe God has a plan

Delilah: Well you know God loves you and do you believe he loves you more than you can possibly know?

Caller: I hope so. It's so hard to imagine.

Delilah: He does and he has a plan for you Melissa and for your children and you are on the road t greatness with the positive energy you have.

Caller: Thanks Delilah. I love God and will be patient for his plan.

Delilah: It's hard sometimes but while we wait for God's plan I have a song for you.

queue music:

Song Played: believe by Cher.

Moral of the Story - Divas are Deities?

So yesterday while Clint and I were playing Sunday Scrabble at Caribou. There was this annoying 19 year girl who like really liked the like word like. Totally.



When will this teeny bop talk stop. I know the kids aren't watching Sweet Valley High anymore. Do they even realize what they are saying or is it a nervous twitch. I felt bad for her friend -
this girl didn't stop talking, didn't ask questions - just gave the play by play of her life for the last 5 months and said the word "like" about 5,000 with out exaggeration. I know I can talk a lot, I can dominate the conversation like nobody's business - I often interject with a off kiltered tangent- but I also can listen and let other people talk and have conversations versious a constant monologue about how I'm a psychology major but I don't like science like totally at all. And my roomates are so like totally awesome and like he's so like cute. Oh and by the like way like how are like you?


Another thing I don't get is speaking out loud in accronym. Do they even know the words or just the intended meaning? Perplexing.



Then I overheard something disturbing today. My co-worker who has a couple teenage girls was telling another co-worker about this new fad. It's call "I wanna be Rhianna" and so girls want their boyfriends to beat them up so they can show off the bruises. Pardon my acronymism but WTF? Domestic violence is now trendy? Sick and disturbing.



Why can't kids just be kids. Well it's because parent's spoil them to the point of boiling all of childhood out of them. They don't play, they don't imagine, they obviously FAIL at learning the proper usage of similie and metaphor. They probably think Metaphors are in the sky. They are given whatever they want because their parents want to make up for something that was lacking in their own childhood. This is a major diservice. I'm not saying that children should be neglected or have a hard life or be domestic slaves to the household. But parent's these days aren't doing them any favors by giving them what ever they want - cause then they come up with this crazy idea that they want bruises and abuse from their boyfriends so they can be more and more like the celebrities they idolize. Sick and wrong. The closest thing I can remember wanting to be like someone famous was a slap bracelet or hoop earrings. If any boyfriend gave me a bruise I'd slap him and leave him. Not ask for another cause Ashley has 3 bruises from her boyfriend.

Sooo the other night I was over at Dave's for dinner.
I was supposed to cook chicken breasts -- but they were frozen. So instead of defrosting we changed our minds on a whim and decided to have meatballs.

You know quick easy- frozen meatballs -- zapped in the microwave, a variety of dipping sauces available from the fridge -- kraft mac n chese for our carbs on the side.

So I'm make the macaroni n cheese - gotta love the blue box. Dave's pulling out the possible dipping sauces -- and I'm putting the meatballs in the microwave. It's at this point I'm looking at his unique and varied condiments.

Honey, this barbeque sauce is expired.

Eh, it only a couple months - it won't kill us.

Fine, you can eat it.

Dave, this other barbeque sauce -- is expired... expired last year.

Manly man throws glass bottle into garbage for dramatic baskball player points.

Honey, let take a look at what else is expired:

Grape Jelly: expired: January 2007
Sour Cream: expired: April 2008
Honey Mustard: expired: February 2008
Yellow Mustard: expired: November 2007
Soy Sauce: expired: June 2007
Ketchup: safe
Ranch Dressing: safe
Blue Cheese Dressing: safe
A-1: June 2008
Sweet n Sour sauce: can not read expiration date-most likely expired
Miracle Marinade: expired: Febraury 2007

Ding. The meatballs are dinging, oh they still need a couple minutes.
I'm draining the noodles as Dave is throwing items into the trash -- so I'm not sure what these expired items were -- but he had several barbeque and steak sauces -- so
I can only imagine the expiration dates.

The meatball bag is still on the counter -- the meatballs are done, and macaroni is done.

Honey, the meatballs are expired.

Well, what do you expect we microwaved them?

No, seriously -- they expired January -- 2006.

Well -- they look fine.

Really?

So now I'm in a position -- he is not at all grossed out by this -- I can make him test a meatball -- but I know he'll just say they are fine, or I can be the brave one and eat a two year old meatball.

I eat it. We wait 15 minutes to make sure I don't get instant gout -
and I don't...

So we eat the meatballs that have been tucked away in the freezer.
Dipped in slightly expired sweet n sour sauce and perfectly made macaroni and cheese -- not expired in the least.


The aftermath consisted of very bad gas -- could have been the herbs and seasoning -- in the meatballs -- but I'm convinced it was our bodies telling us to throw the bag out. This is the first time - Dave has not wanted leftovers wrapped up for the next day.

The next day I was hoping I wouldn't need a butter knife like dear Ava did! And that's as graphic as I'm going to get in the poo poo report. For those of you who have no idea what that means -- think cement in the shape of mighty python.

I love JCP for the fact they have catalogs -- sometimes -- I'm feeling extra retro and don't like to order things online -- I'd rather flip through the catalog -- and then decided to check online to see if it's on sale. I have a pention for doing the roundabout way of doing things.

Well I found this blog by a gentleman JV -- he's hysterical - anyways -- you must click below:

http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2007/10/strap-in-shut-up-and-hold-on-were-going.html

I didn't find any of those items online -- gosh darnit, it'd be great if they had made a catalog like this for halloween-- I'm sure some of those items are stashed away in a warehouse. Imagine if you will the Smithsonian of JCP. I'm sure it would be a great Halloween outfitter -way more comfortable than the little red riding outfit i've been wearing for the past 2 years -- and this year -- it was so tight that it cut the circulation off --

It was a cold October evening -- I was dressed in my little red riding ho outfit looking very cute and whorish. It was halloween season - it's allowed! (it wasn't halloween proper - but the weekend before) I had on red tights and then fishnets over them & because I'm modest and a good girl a heart and then I had black spanks on over the fishnet/red tight combo. Well, I'm convinced that I was one more control top layer away from losing the capacity to walk. Yes, at this point I am completely sober.

I was getting ready to leave, felt a little dizzy, hadn't been drinking for hours -- just apple juice -- so I get out to my car. The house is off of 81 -- so a fairly busy road, but it's on a service road so it's away from the cars. A couple is outside drinking. I feel ill.
That's it -- I've got to pee -- I go back in - pee and leave.

I get out to my car still not feeling just right... I decided to take off my spanks, fishnets and tights, I luckly was able to peal them off in one fell swoop and a little "got getta the nylons off dance." I've got some hot pink hanes her ways on, and it's dark. More people come outside, I'm still in my little dress, still feel like crap -- maybe I'm alergic to apple juice, nah.

Well, I can't very well drive home in my underwear and bra -- it is October -- I'll be cold, even if I'm having hot flashes right now! There are people over there --- drunk, and although I'll never see them again -- except the ones I work with... I can't very well get undressed right here? Or can I? ...What do I have in my trunk? At this point I'm now dizzy and sweating and starting hear bells -- it must be this corset contraption on my little red riding hood outfit. I pop open my trunk to see a wonderful thing -- a pair of butt ugly teal fleece pajama pants I was giving my sister for christmas -- we have this ugly pajama thing we do at Christmas. Anyways -- The trunk is open, I'm hiding behind it and I can't see anyone -- Oh did I forget to tell you that a large marjority of Wowseo's police force is attending this party as they are my friend's friend's brother's friends? So here I am -- In a driveway -- off of a busy road -- getting dizzy -- putting on teal fleece pajama pants under my riding hood outfit -- Still not helping with the corsetesque bodice now making me lightheaded ... and sweating through my deoderant... I need a shirt -- I found one -- it's none other than my hair cut shirt. It's a gray tee shirt -- with a girl sitting on a stool cutting her dolls hair - the shirt must have been a factory reject becaue it's got some stitching on the collar bone -- and near the belly button region and it's came like that -- where did I find such a treasure? Oh Walgreens of course. It's a little girls shirt -- and is a little too small but it's got to be better than this dress.

I swiftly try to remove my dress but it's a little stuck... sucking in -- pulling the zipper down -- Ah! Freedom! Oh crap -- I didn't wear a bra with my dress--- oopps. I totally forgot about that -- ok shirt on quick. Shirt is on -- sort of -- but it must have been awhile since I've worn this shirt since I can't really move my arms in it. What else do I have -- I'm now completly sweat infected from hair and toes -- maybe my blood sugar dropped, who really knows? Voila --
amongst the 20 pairs of shoes, extra pillow and blanket, 2 winter coats, cd cases, books, bag of yarn - windex, lint roller, boggle, and of course a camping chair that's been there since July - I find it -- its a plain white shirt that has a mystery spill on the front of it -- I'll take it - it's large enough to move my arms and sit comfortably for the 20 minute drive home - I do the gym school trick remove the hair cut shirt and finally get in the car to go -- but I'm still feeling a little icky so I drink a sprite that I had in my car waiting for me -- knowing that I aways get thirsty when driving. Sprite opened -- I"m on my way. But now I can smell the shirt I am wearing -- God only knows how long it's been in my trunk -- it's truly grossing me out. But I think happy smells and finally arrive home to put on real pajamas -- a comfy thermal shirt and realax as I suffer the result of too much apple juice, by running to the bathroom.

Lesson learned: Don't wear clothes that don't fit, always keep a back up pair of pants shirt in your trunk, don't drink apple juice in large quantities if you know it gives you the trots, I should of had a slim fast - then I probably could have avoided this all together.

So I won't include all the details -- since we have a trip to Chicago coming up and I need to have a good story to tell. But it was worse than expected and I wish I would have had the huztpah to just RSVP -- I'm busy, and send a gift card.

PS. I need a car with cruise control - my poor ankle was swollen last night.Or maybe I'm growing a cankle? The judge and jury are still out on that.

Pss. The baby is cute, and gross -- at the same time. I did hold and coo at the baby and I got to feed it and it didn't puke on me, the baby had the best manners out of the three of them -- shocking but true,

Psss. One thing is for certain --- I am not gun-ho for having a baby and this little trip did prove to be excellent form of birth control. I like the simple things in life -- sleeping through the night, not having to wear a badge of vomit on my shirt, the only butt I need to wipe is my own, yep -- the simple things in life.

Pssss. Also -- her boyfriend is pretty much an A hole and I think that he will be a horrible father and or human being. His name is Chris -- let's just be glad it isn't Kris like that dude from the camping adventure, but yeah -- his braniac idea - was to take the baby new born on a road trip to Boston in the coming weeks - so he could go to a baseball game at Fenway -- cause the tickets on ebay were only $1. Does he understand the premise of ebay?

If you thought she was emotional in the past -- just multiply that by 100 -- yep I should have just mailed a gift card. PS. The long drive, the annoyance of Kate, allcombined drove me to start smoking again -- so I get to start quitting all over again tommorrow. Wish me luck.

So my ex-boyfriend, the one who had an ex-wife and a baby on the way with another chickadee, he's having another baby -- or his new girlfriend is having a baby -- He's thrilled - maybe I don't get it cause I don't think having a baby is something thrilling especially given his 1st child is less than a year old. I'm just thankful I got out of that mess before the super sperm got me in the unsavory predicament.

I'm also reminded daily of this person in the office who shall remain nameless who has two illegitimate children both resulted from some drunken stopper of a one night stand. Why can't the stupid people use birth control?

I am very happy for my normal married friends who have embraced babies into their families -- I'm just bitter cause now your time entertaining me has dwindled.

Oh well - onward.