hula hoops and hampster wheels

So I was raised Catholic by my loving and once very religious mother. I have since left the church -- (this happened about a month after I was confirmed and I was only confirmed for fear of being grounded.)

My dad was borderline agnostic/athiest and always joked that he was a heathan. With his passing -- I am now reassured that it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you believe in anything or if you believe in everything. Relgion no matter what sect all tells the same stories -- has a similar diety or god for which to respect and frankly it's not my thing.

However -- just before my dad passed I attended my Great Uncle's funeral. He was a catholic convert -- converted for my auntie 60+ years ago (god I can't even imagine being married that long) And as you know, Catholics will have a Mass for everything -- for a wedding, for a funeral, for Sunday, for everyday actually... It's part of the tradition to have a long series of sitting, standing and kneeling crammed into one hour -- it's like aerobics for God.

So some things I do miss -- even though I don't believe in organized religon, heaven or hell, or the infailability of the pope.

I like bible verses, like the psalms or my favorite of all time: Corinthians.

• 1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
• I also like Hymms --I get to sing and no one gives me a dirty look...

It's a beautiful day, fantastic indeed now that the humidity has dropped. Hallelujah.


So I don't go church, or have a religion - other than the residual recovering catholic effect. I'm convinced I've been branded to always feel guilty for any wrong doing, poor judgement etc. and I do expect people to do unto others and obey the golden rule bs taught in Sunday schools from sea to shining sea and beyond.

I don't believe in God --- as in the God of judgement and condemnation, but more of just design. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell -- or Jesus. Mary or the 12 apostles, saints or popes or prayers.

But what about the afterlife then? What about this Build your own Utopia - that Heaven is whatever you want it to be. I remember this from 1st or 2nd grade when there was a discussion and explanation of Heaven -- and some girl said her Heaven would be filled with Barbie Dolls. For a long time- I've struggled with this what happens when you die - and although some may find great comfort in the idea of Heaven -- I don't. I don't believe in Hell -- because I frankly believe Hell was just invented as the ultimate punishment and a great scare tactic tool to ingrain on the believers of whatever the big bad bible said. I do however believe in a soul -- that we are all more than just a body -- that we die and pass through time and space. I think of the soul as an Orb and I envision that Orbs float and gather -- usually in familial or friendship groups -- and they might choose to watch the happenings on earth in the current time and place in which they died -- or else they go on and Orb about a bit. I know this is little morbid -- but I guess I envision a cluster of spirit orbs -- gathering together waiting for new friends and family or celebrity entertainers to join them.

This might sound odd -- yes, but this is my take on the afterlife.

I know, it's wacky -- but I just can't think that all we are is worm food or dust when we die -- yes, we live on in memories after we pass -- but I can't disregard the premise of a soul. So if you must, the Orb situation would be my heaven -- but there is no hell, or purgatory -- it's just the way it is. So My Dad & Grandparents, might be orbing around with my friends grandparents, and cousins and aunts & uncles and whatever and it's some how become this version 7 degrees of separation from the living. Orborific.

There are too many things to do in a day -- there are a million things that I'd love to be able to do -- but when it comes down to it -- watching tv, playing online, doing laundry and dishes or other not so fun stuff comes first and by the time I get a chance -- the sidewalks are rolled up or the more I think about doing said things -- the more attractive a nap sounds. I mentioned in an earlier post I've been more tired than usual...



I wish I could make more time to garden, or play with yarn or read, or go on nature walks, or go to the gym (ps. 3 mo membership = 5 trips to the gym -- oops) Go take photos of neat stuff. Paint pretty pictures. Write. Do some sort of volunteering or good for mankind. Play games, cards etc. Word on crosswords, cryptos and sudukos -- (do I sound like an old woman or what?) I probably could do these things -- but I'd miss vegging out, watching tv, eating, sleeping, bathing, laundry, dishes & life stuff.



There are a few things though that sound like great ideas -- but in all reality they would most likely end in disaster.



For example -- taking the Amtrak trip around the perimeter of the continental US... Sounds good -- but would actually equal -smelly, tired, cranky Kristen wanting to go home after 2 days.



Go on a hot air balloon ride. It sounds romantic and fun - but the height thing would probably require me to take some valium and then I'd probably fall asleep- or without the valium, I'd probably barf in to the wind and get more than some on me. Then barf again after seeing/smelling vomit. Thowing up is not my forte.


Adopting a Highway. Ok so this isn't exactly up my alley -- nor does it sound glamourous, adventurous and or fun -- but I think of weird things when I'm in the car for 2 hours a day... Ok back to Adopting a Highway -- it would be great to be a part of an organization or group that cared so much about litter -- however I don't give a crap -- I just started recycling, and I'm not that good at it.

Trying new and interesting food at the trendiest of restraunts. Ok, I like some new food -- I just want something on the menu to be recognizable - and I have a list of food that I know I don't like and or do not want to try. But, I'm honest here -- I'm not trendy -- I like mom and pop type family restaunts and national chains, I don't like restraunts with one word names that make me wonder if it is a resturant at all...

Kids are cute and adorable -- but I am in no ready to be a mommy.



1. I like to sleep through the night. I can't imagine getting up every time a baby cried or needed a feeding, or when they are bigger and have nightmares or can't sleep. I fall asleep and like to stay that way.



2. I think bodily fluids are gross. I almost gag when I see someone else throw up -- or faint at the sight of blood. I know spit up, pee, poo, snot, drool and come with the baby territory but I frankly don't want to deal with the icky stuff.



3. I like alone time.



4. I like only being responsible for me -- If I f-up I live with it -- and it usually doesn't effect anyone else.



5. I have no idea how I will present morals without using the bible.

6. I have a million other issues -- but one day maybe I'll be able to move past them -- until then- no babies.

Everyone has met them -- they are the fakers in the office. There are usually two varieties, both equally annoying.

#1: The know-it all new guy:
Just before I moved into my new job -- I had to train someone into my old job -- so I thought I'd be blessed and have someone that was already at the office and I would just show them how things go Texas style. The paperwork in Texas was more demanding than in any other state/region so it would require spending sometime with someone to make sure they understood, preliens, liens, bonds and ugg waivers. I'll stop with the boringness now. But I didn't get a transplant... no ... I got a complete newbie. We'll call him Stanley.

Stanley is creepy. He's mid-fifties. He's had every job imaginable -- but the most fitting way to describe him as 1980's car salesman. He's got his office approved polo shirt and his fluffy chest hair popping out. But before it can pop out completly it first must entertwine with his gold chain. Gross. He's worked on a similar system to our beloved software from circa 1994 the one and only AS400. I begin training -- with simple obseveration method. I have on my headset -- and connected to my headset -- is the training headset. Stanley likes to chit chat -- I'm not here to sit and talk about bs, I'm here to show dippity doo how to do the job. I suggest that he take notes. "Nah, I'll get it when I get to sit down and do it, I've worked on this system before -- I know everything there is to know since the begining of time becuase I'm an arogant piece of poo Stanley" -- I respond ok -- and continue going through the 14 million screens and how to get to each one -- and what to look for and what's important. I suggest -- do you think it might help to write any of this down? "Nope, I've got it." Ok -- I'm half expecting him to point to his head.
Training continues. He's still not taking any notes -- no reminders. Then we start making calls.

"Good afternoon PBJ this is Punky how can I help you" the call takes place -- ends and then Stanley pipes in "I don't think you need to say all that --" Excuse me? "Your intro is a bit long you don't need to say all that." "Listen, Stanley -- we are customer service orientated -- this means internal and external -- and although you can take certain liberties with your intro -- just saying : "Stanley speaking" is rude and unproffesional -- If you have any questions about the greeting you should talk to Hank, he's the supervisor you can ask him. Stanley nods. Then pipes in again "You should really give out the toll-free number instead of your direct line" ------ "No, Stanley, we don't give the toll free number out unless it is requested. This is your phone number -- this if your fax -- these are the numbers we use. "But more people would call you back if they had a toll free number" It's a great idea but the switchboard would kill you since all the toll free calls go directly to them --- this is your number -- this is your fax. "I'm going to use the toll free number instead of this one. " Fine, but you're not supposed to -- you should talk to Hank. "Why don't we get you a legal pad to take some notes Stanley?" Nah, I don't need to take notes. Ok.
Day 2:
Now Stanley is stubborn, arrogant and his posture is less than to be desired. He's sitting back in his chair sprawled out acting like he's kind of the cube -- we are connected by a training headset -- and his hand is resting on my arm rest. I'm scooting my chair away. He's now in the computer spot and all of a sudden he wants to know how to get from one screen to the next and what all the F keys do. I get up -- let him try and figure things out -- go to the storage room and get him a damn legal pad and give it to him. "You need to take notes -- the system has hints at the bottom of the screen but not all the funtions are listed --- you need to write this down." He is getting his login information -- does he write down all 5 passwords that have to be different from eachother - and what they go to .... noooooooooooooo He'll remember. 5 minutes later he already forgot one of his passwords. GRRR.

Ps. Stanley has a motorcycle and has asked me to go for a ride. "No Stanley -- I'm not going for a ride -- I hate loud noises and I hate your guts." OK so I don't say the last part -- but he's wasting a week of my life and he is creepy and gross and frankly my Stapler is smarter than he is.
So by day 4 I gave up -- he's grossed me out and pissed me off. I was instructed by boss Natasha to get over and start setting my desk up and looking at Canada accounts. Plus, she knows that Stanley is a lost cause and it's not doing any good for me to sit there with him -- plus she loves to see people get thrown in the fire.

I'm all done -- I'm moved over -- and my poor buddy Swessi has to put up with Stanley asking her simple things like how to print an invoice or how to send a fax. This guy is clueless-- and still thinks he knows it all.


#2 The second faker -- is more annoying since -- we'll She's got it all -- she has a story for everything --- her life is perfect and she'll tell you- cause she's new and wants to be popular.

The ideal new person -- keeps to themself for the first couple of weeks -- listens to the people on break and lunch -- interjects when appropriate -- the ideal new person does not dominate the conversation.

Sheila is almost 40 -- she's showing cleavage as if she were in highschool and she's ruining my breaks with the girls. She's trying to hard. She has a story about everything -- she knows everything too -- only this time it's work related and personal life related. I first met Sheila the day I came back to work from losing my father. She approached me -- her and her wrinkly cleavage - introduced herself -- and then told me she was sorry- I said thanks -- as I was still pretty cloudy and not very talkative. She then proceeded to tell me that she know's how it feels -- cause she lost her mother in-law awhile back --( I'm sorry -- doesn't count. You can't know the loss of a parent -- until you lose your own -- I've lost enough people in my life to have an appropriate spectrum of grief and - sorry parent trumps- mother-in law by a long shot -- the only thing that can possibly trump parent would be the loss of a child ) My friend Sara looks at me and she knows I just want to b- slap her. So we walk away a little bit and talk and let new girl talk to our friend Jacque. I let it go -- no one can know - and I move on -- people say stupid shit -- and honestly it doesn't even matter. Life to short to get hung up on people who can't be sensitive.

BUT SHEILA is always saying stupid shit. Sara was talking about her cruise -- and Sheila went a better cruise and had more fun. Or Jacque was talking about the season tickets she just bought with her boyfriend for the Minnesota Wild -- and Sheila got her daughter a hockey jersey for Christmas last year, someone had a tasty chicken sandwhich for lunch and Sheila can make a chicken from scratch -- she probably plants peeps in a pot and waits for them to sprout... ok that was random -- but the point is she's done it all-- she has a story for every topic and she tries to give the impression that she's rich -- I'm sorry -- if you are temping, you're not rich -- I being the jewelry analyst glance at her wedding ring --- I don't think I've seen a diamond that small -- seriously -- it's a pencil point. and it's ugly -- I have earings with more sparkle -- hell I probably have stick on manicure rhinestones with more sparkle.. it's sad. She's on vacation this week -- thank goodness --

So those are the two types of fakers -- similar yet differnt -- yet both highly annoying.

My tip is to be yourself -- be nice to everyone but be yourself and then and only then can you get along with everyone in the office -- oh and it helps if you have close relationship with the postage machine when no one else can fix it. sigh.

So It's coming up on two weeks and I'm amazed at how much time has passed - and how different things are now.


Denial, numbness, and shock: SO I found out over the phone - my legs collapsed and I ended up kneeling on concrete and crying until Dave scooped me up and held me -- then I went through this whole thing once I got home and my mom told me exactly what happened.


Bargaining: In this stage I wasn't bargaining with anyone -- I was more conscened with things that will never be -- and upset about a recent fight we had over something so trival.

Depression: Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells are some typical symptoms. My family and friends helped me through this -- and I'm back to eating all the crap I used to eat -- I still cry now and again - and that's ok - and I'm sleeping hard and through the night.

Anger
I got angry -- and now I'm not angry.

Acceptance
I'm there - but I'm sure Ill back track from time to time - especially on holidays, when we inter the ashes and on special days.

Dear Dad,

I never got the chance to thank you for all you did. From the simple things like laundry -- or checking the air in my tires.
In all things you taught me, in all the everyday funny moments, in the comfort that you brought me whenever I was sad. I defending and caring for me if I was wronged or ill.
I can not adequately word how you shaped my life and I'll always remember you and your love.

Love,
Kristen

I love new socks. I used to be addicted to buying them... or perhaps it was prior to my fondness for laundry - I just bought them to avoid washing them? Anyway, It's been a hobby for some time to buy new socks and there is nothing quite like the feel of new socks to brighten anyones day. My toes are happy --- "No one has sweat in these babies before!" is what I imagine they would say -- if feet could talk...



So I recently picked up a plethora of new socks -- came home from work plopped my bag on the table. When I returned to fetch my socks after running to the bathroom. My dad had already snooped in my new bag of socks -- (all's fair if it's left on the kitchen table I guess -- just glad I didn't have lube, batteries or a pregnacy test in there with my socks. haha) Well I go to get my socks -- and if you think I love doing laundry, I can't hold a candle to my dad. My dad was already getting a basket ready to wash my new socks -- he was tearing labels off -- snipping plastic fasners that hold the socks together, removing the metal clips on the fancier socks, and I ask him what he's doing -- he looks up and says, laundry.

I said: Oh you really don't have to, I'll wear them first and then you can wash them, wanting to take my socks back and evaluate my sock purchases -- see how cute they would match certain sweaters and pants -- usual sock addict stuff.

He replies: You can't wear them -- they were made in China -- they probably have lead in them I have to wash them first.

I said: Really, I don't think there is anything to worry about -- can I have my socks back? Were they even made in China? I look a couple of the cotton ones were...

He replies: Once I wash them and they are safe for you to wear.

I said: Fine, as he has already ripped all the socks from the packaging and unpaired them all and they are sitting disheveled in a basket --

The next day my socks are paired -- and rolled together in little balls in the basket.

Since then -- I've been missing random socks -- maybe they were sent to the lab for lead testing? I will never know.

Granted, I hate being the last to know- but sometimes it's hard to be in the loop and not be able to say anything.

For example, someone at work- who is a temp, had his last day yesterday --- but he was in the dark as the temp agency was going to inform him after 5. I knew because one of my good friends is taking over his region and I was to train her on Texas lien law and give her the scoop on the area she will be moving into on Monday. Now, I understand that temps are different that regular employees -- but he's been temping here since September. He just had a couple issues with getting to work on time... and taking extra long lunches... and other issues.

I also know that someone else is considering putting in their notice --- but as nothing is official - I don't know anything.

Just like I don't know that someone else is having an extra marital affair(s) and someone else is interested in becoming a swinger, that someone else is gay and that someone else is a dirty old man. Someone else likes pain during sex. See these are the things I may or may not know to protect the innocent some features have been altercated.

flower: tulips and bird of paradise tie for first and then peonies and pink roses come in second
season: spring -- right now I want to get out in the garden but the pesky cruchy snow is there.
color: pink, green and red
holiday: April Fool's Day & Labor Day
food: white bread and butter or egg noodles with butter
sweets: all: candy, cookies, pastries.
salty: chips
non-alcoholic beverage: diet coke alcoholic beverage: bloody marys, malibu diets & beer
guilty pleasure: new socks, bubble baths, diet coke
books: too many to really name but the one I read over and over again: The Little Prince
meal: something meaty, something starchy and something green
vacation: midwest road trips with good friends
dream vacation: france or greece
movie: shining through, steel magnolias and when harry met sally
least favorite movie: umm the 4minutes of Saw that Dave and I watched.
smell: laundry, fresh flowers, lilacs in bloom and bread baking, ooh and books
taste: sweets and salties together
touch: dave's head in my lap when were watching tv
sound: music, laughter
sight: sunshine
least favorite smell: umm poo?
least favorite taste: umm pork chops?
least favorite touch: stabbing would be bad, paper cuts stink, so does heartburn
least favorite sound: screaming babies
least favorte sight: blood - it makes me woosy
most embarassing moment: swearing at the wrong moment
most memorable moment: recently? getting the braces off
last time you cried: valentine's day weekend
last time you laugher: earlier today
favorite song: extrodiary machine, fiona apple, tristan prettyman's simple as it should be
barry white's 1st last and everything, ooh soo many.
perfume: hypnose by lancome
cologne: hugo the original -- and i don't care if that's sooo 9th grade.
tv show: NCIS, The Office
restraunt: due to my love for big juicy burgers I'll say Red Robin, but I don't have an all time favorite place.
job: the job I enjoyed the most was working in library in college
least favorite job: umm the portable toilet place
fast food place: mcdonalds
musical instrament: guitar or piano -- heck maybe even the kazoo
wildest moment: steaking down lafayette comes to mind
room: living room, bedroom
board game: scrabble -- but with my rules of course
card game: cribbage -- but with my rules of course
least favorite game: umm maybe barrel of monkeys that's not that much fun
writing utensil: the pilot g2 07 in fine point, blue ink
laundry soap: tide
fabric softner: downy
shampoo: bain de terre in white clover
conditioner: same - bain de terre in white clover
toothpaste: crest
mouthwash: listerine in vanilla mint
newspaper: startribune
website: yahoo.com
radio station: ks95
store: depends on what i'm buying - general retail crap: target, jcp, cub